Sunday, July 15, 2007

Food, Glorious.....FOOD????

Care for some bearded clam? How about an order of fish taco? Perhaps a donut, or a honey pot? Then there’s the descriptively confusing “meat wallet”. Yep, all names bestowed on our genitalia, ladies. And you can add cake, fillet-o-fish, lobster pot, peach, and tuna to the sexual menu if you want…all used frequently to describe our most precious parts.

We Quiminologists can run with the clams/oysters thing - after all, there is a pearl lurking in those moist folds. Keep tasting, gentlemen - you’ll find it eventually. But tacos? None of us recall using shredded cheese in bed and definitely keep that hot sauce away, please. Yeeeowch! Honey-pot and other sticky things - well, yes. We do produce our own individually flavored honey if touched just right. No beehives needed either, although we don’t know how it tastes on toast.

After extensive research, we’ve concluded that these names are creations of the opposite gender. Yep, men!! If they make us sound tasty enough to eat, more power to ‘em. Nothing like a hungry male sating his appetite between our thighs. But we note in passing that other than “meat” and the many sausage references, most male euphemisms have to do with power and size than taste. (Rocket, sword, love tool, shaft, telephone pole - you know them, we don’t need to repeat them here.) Where’s the “éclair”? No crullers or other appropriately shaped yummies. We couldn’t find anything about a tootsie-pop or the number of licks it might take to get it to explode.**

Is it because women tend to watch what they eat more than men? That saying “c’mon babe. Gimme that chocolate covered éclair so I can suck the cream out of it?” might undo a week of celery and lettuce? Are men leery of having their weaponry compared to things from the produce section? (Cucumbers, zucchinis...a huge carrot?) Did Ben and Jerry threaten a lawsuit if “Chunky Monkeys” became a nickname for their tent poles? We don’t know. But the good news is that we’re still working on the research.

The bad news? We've all gained about two pounds while doing it. Sigh.

(**Our scientists have, however, developed a formula for this phenomena. Number of licks = (Period of time since last sexual encounter)x(vacuum strength of lips)+/- (tension exerted on base of penis by hand) + (breast size). [The last variable seems irrelevant, but apparently influences the outcome.]

The answer averages out to four. Formula is accurate to within a factor of ten if alcohol is present.)


Ciana Stone said...

LMAO Sahara! So from a male point of view his harpoon can spear that tuna? Ugh, somehow I don't think I'm going to be all worked up over that.

But anything lickable and chocolate has my vote :) And maybe my man won't care what I call it, as long as it's the center of my attention :)

I'll do an independent research test. "Honey come on over here and let me lick your popsickle."

That might work... it's a given that "honey let me have a taste of that cocktain weiner" will be a big flop. It would at least have to be a giantic sausage don't you think?

Thanks for the education and (snicker) food for thought.


jan said...

What a hoot, Sahara! LOL



MARCIA said...


Anonymous said...

My guess is the taco reference is to the two-lipped shape, Marcia. I kinda like the sound of cherry taco, even though it makes no sense, culinarily speaking. I've always been partial to jelly roll though I don't think I could bring myself to use it with a straight face in a sexual context.

Jaid Black said...

Susan, that's too funny lol. I couldn't keep a straight face with about 3/4 of the names we're given for downstairs :-P

Sahara Kelly said...

Good to know you're having fun with this. I have to say I was astounded at the number of food references. Makes me wonder if there's sports references and beer references too. I'm checkin' on it. Can't you imagine? "Gonna get into that dugout tonight, baby." or "Man, gimme some of that pale ale on my tongue..."

Men. Gotta love 'em. I guess...LOL


Jaid Black said...

Sahara, you'll have to let us know lol

Toni Lea Andrews said...

As many euphemisms as there are for female genitalia, we are outnumbered by penis euphemisms by at least ten to one! I have a "reference" book called "The Big Book of Filth" which has pages and pages of these terms. For high comedy, I recommend pouring a glass of wine and reading a few pages.

Most un-appetizing term? "The purple headed custard chucker."


Jaid Black said...

Toni... that's a gag alert lol!! (Eeeeeek!!)

Anonymous said...

Definitely a gag alert for purple-headed custard chucker! Ick!
I think you can tell a lot about attitudes toward genitals and sex by the words people use to describe them. I think food references have risen along with the popularity of oral sex. I'd much rather have sex with a man who thinks of my betty in yummy terms such as honey pot, jelly roll and peach cake, even lobster pot, than men who might call it a fur taco, meat wallet or bearded clam.

Jaid Black said...

A bearded clam? Ugh. Of course, meat wallet is pretty nasty too lol