Thursday, August 2, 2007

Empress on the Mount

Dear Empress:
My bf likes sex in the morning but I like to stay up late and can’t stand to be touched before the sun goes down. How can we synchronize?
Night Owl

When in doubt, follow the Blow by Blow rule. Remember, we’re dealing with the male of the species, so simplicity is our mantra. You need to train your bf to your timetable. Start slowly and soon you’ll have him conditioned to perform when you want.
If he’s slumped in his chair at the end of the day when you’re feeling frisky, give him a blowjob that will turn his eyebrows inside-out. Suck so damned hard you inhale his socks. So yeah, he’ll collapse in a heap again afterwards but keep at it. It’s no different from training your dog to fetch, positive reinforcement is the key. Just like your dog will learn to anticipate a treat for obeying, so will your bf. All you need to do is make it clear that a Raging Roger in the evening will get lots of enthusiastic attention (after he’s blown your mind several times but you can gloss over that bit). If his dick even tries for a cheery greeting in the morning, just like when your dog disobeys, ignore it.
If this method fails, simply tell him you’re a vampire and if his dick initiates contact before sunset, you’ll drive a stake through it.


MARCIA said...


Anonymous said...

As much as I hate conceding the point empress is on to something here. It would work on me.


Jaid Black said...

M, there you go blowing up G's ego to unmanagable proportions again lol :-P

Jaid Black said...

So it's true then Dave? Men are Pavlovian in their thinking? Too funny!

The Empress said...

Marcia, you are a woman of grace and integrity.

Jaid, shove a sock in it. BTW, there's now a supersize packet of Mint Bikkies. And Rocklea Road has a new flavour, dark choc orange. Just thought you'd like to know.

Dave, you give me hope for the male of the species.

Anonymous said...

Lol, Dave! I expect blowjob training techniques would work on most men!

Jaid Black said...

Gis, plying me with bikkies will get you everywhere.

Susan, I think you're right lol

The Empress said...

Jaid, I said there was now a supersize packet of Mint Bikkies. I didn't say you were getting one. The Empress does not hand out her favours to just anyone.