Thursday, August 9, 2007

Empress on the Mount

Your Haughtiness:
I have a disconcertingly large labia and have been seeing ads for plastic surgery that can give you lovely, dainty
lips. Should I do it?
Lavish Lips

Disconcertingly large as compared to what? A Chihuahua? What did you do, video yourself and then ask your friends to compare? Actually, don’t answer that, I really don’t want to know. Listen, dimwit, unless you leave drag marks when you walk, leave well enough alone.
If you wanted to audition for America’s Next Top Model, I’d still say stay the hell away from anyone offering to alter your fa-fa. I’ve yet to hear Tyra Banks intone, Oh! Such a pity about her labia, it’s the only thing keeping her from an international career. And let’s face it, those judges comment on just about every other body part.

Feel free to ask the Empress a question of your own. She'll grace you with her special brand of compassion and wisdom.


MARCIA said...


Christine d'Abo said...

ROFL! And the scary thing is, someone out there has probably considered it!

Susan Edwards said...

Hmmm, the Empress' advice has been called many things, Marcia, but not chicken soup, that I recall. Now there'll be no living with her. She'll probably make us all start calling her Dr. Empress. I'm glad she could perk you up, though.

The Empress said...

Marcia, sorry to hear you haven't been well. Glad I could give you a giggle. Must admit, I've been compared to a few different things but never soup before. I think of myself as a Tim Tam ... sleek, luscious and toe-tinglingly exquisite.

Christine, you're dead right. I heard people chatting about having this kind of surgery a while ago on the radio. Talk about mind-boggling.

Nah Susan, I don't need to be Dr Empress. I am uniquely moi.

Nancy said...

Giselle, You never fail to make me laugh out loud. "Drag marks" LOL!!!

The Empress said...

Thanks, Nancy. As for the 'drag marks' comment, I simply couldn't fathom why else anyone would want cosmetic surgery 'down under'.

I've nothing against people deciding they'd like a discreet trim or tone here or there ... but some body parts are the way they're meant to be and that's that.

Jaid Black said...

How do you know if your labia is large anyway? What is large?

The Empress said...

Well yeah, Jaid, that's what I wondered too. Unless a certain body part flaps in the breeze like Prince Charles' ears, leave it alone.

BTW, did I tell you that Tim Tams and Rocklea Road now come in choc-orange flavour?