Monday, September 10, 2007

Empress on the Mount

She Who Must Be Obeyed:
I don’t quite know how to write this but my husband chats with his penis. He even has a name for it, Master and Commander. They seem to have quite involved conversations and I’m starting to get worried. I know men like to think their penises are sentient beings with super-powers but surely there’s a limit? I tried to go along with it for a while but when I suggested perhaps that “Russell” was a bit less of a mouthful (literally) than “M&C,” my husband was not amused. Is this normal?
Eating Crowe

First of all, “normal” is not a word usually associated with the male of the species. And, to be fair, every bloke is different. Though one thing does hold true, regardless of race, religion, personality, network affiliates, hairiness and the ability to put the toilet seat down: A penis isn’t just a penis. It simply is. To ragingly misquote, “I penis, therefore I am.”
One thing that intrigues me, how does his penis answer your husband? I’m presuming you haven’t actually heard it speak, so is it more of a Vulcan mind-meld thing? And does your husband chat with it while you’re present? If it’s not interfering with your sex life and your husband doesn’t have gossip sessions with his dick when you’re in public, ignore it. Hell, have some fun and name your fa-fa.
Several possibilities come to mind: Eager Beaver (maybe a smidge vulgar and it might upset the ASPCA), Fluffy Garden (won’t work if you have a Brazilian) or perhaps, Dick Chomper, Schlong Shredder, Penis Pulverizer, Johnson Jackhammer and so on. I’m sure you get the idea. If you start yelling out “Oh please, dock your Master and Commander in Sally Sue’s Shangri-la of Pulsating Perfume,” at the pertinent moment, chances are your husband might at least drop the name.
Other than that, men are dicks. Literally.


K. Z. Snow said...

You mean to tell me penises aren't sentient beings with super-powers?

Well, shee-it. Now I gotta find me an apparatus more worthy of slipping into my velvet goddess- purse, wherein I only carry nectar, ambrosia, and--you guessed it--sentient beings with super-powers.

The Empress said...

Yep, it's true. Sorry to be the one to shatter your perceptions but penises are simply dicks. (Or simple dicks ... )

For all that men like to brag otherwise - even wearing a cape, dicks don't leap tall buildings in a single bound. Though, sadly, many are faster than a speeding locomotive.

Sahara Kelly said...

I'm told there's a good reason men name their penises.

It's because they don't want all their decisions made by a complete stranger.