Monday, November 12, 2007

Tits Up!

I got a flyer in my mailbox this week bearing a lovely decolletage under a headline saying "The first Friday in April is National Cleavage Day." In veeeeery tiny gray print buried under the breasts was this: "(in Britain and South Africa)" At first I thought it said April first, which made perfect sense to me. What better day to celebrate cleavage than April Fool's Day? After all, how many perfectly smart men are turned to blubbering idiots by the sight of a woman's cleavage? How many perfect smart women are deemed dummies when they show said cleavage? Remember the old blokes' tale that a woman's IQ is inversely proportional to her cup size?

Being a small but perfectly formed b-cup myself, I figured out pretty quickly that we're nowhere near April right now. That's when I saw the other headline: "Dr. Luria can help you celebrate anytime." The flyer goes on to explain the importance of cleavage and how much more comfortable breast augmentation and breast-lift surgery are than push-up bras and bustiers.

On the reverse side, Dr. Luria also suggests "other uplifting surgical experiences," including a browlift, facelift, armlift, thighlift, necklift and tummy tuck. His photo reveals the good doctor to be not much of a looker himself, a bit saggy about the jowls and neck, and looong of forehead, if you catch my drift. I wonder if there's a National Hairline Day anywhere? If so, I do hope Dr. Luria will be going in for that 18-hour hair plug surgery he so badly needs. I'm sure it's way more comfortable than wearing hats or hairpieces.

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