Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Trick or Treat? Uh, make that treat please
No, he wouldn't fit into my Halloween candy bag, but I'm pretty sure most of us could find somewhere he'd fit. Happy Halloween. May you collect many treats:)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Pants on Fire
Uh, well, it seems increasingly apparent that's not such a good idea either. Monsignor Tommaso Stenico, a Vatican official and a psychoanalyst, was recently caught by a hidden camera making advances to a young man and telling him that gay sex was not sinful. Stenico said he is not gay, though he admitted to frequenting online gay chat rooms and pretending to be gay. His reason? He was actually researching homosexual activity that damages the image of the Church. He did not explain why he needed to lie for his research instead of simply observing and asking questions.
Okay, so let us get this straight. A priest, whose church says homosexuality is wrong tells a young man that it is not wrong, though he tells the rest of us that he thinks it is wrong. Last time I looked, lying was also considered a sin. Stenico has admitted lying to someone. We just aren't entirely sure who he's lying to. It's sort of like the old conundrum where the guys says, "Everything I say is a lie." If that's true, then everything he says is true. But it can't be true because if it is true, then it's also a lie. Or something like that.
I don't care if Stenico is gay or not. That's his business. However, he has betrayed a very deep trust in his roles as a priest and a psychoanalyst. If you can't look to your priest for moral leadership or your shrink for the truth, who is left?
Monday, October 29, 2007
Oh say, can you C?
When it comes to thongs, our Quiminologists are divided. Rather like the asses of those who like wearing ‘em. (The phrase “cheese slicer” always comes to mind.) But recent research turned up some interesting developments in the world of thongs - those delightful undergarments with which we ladies cover our quims.
Thongs were, of course, designed by a bunch of drunken engineers with serious passive-aggressive issues against women. We gals would certainly choose to spend endless hours fishing bits of lace out of our butt cracks, right? There are no visible panty lines, granted, but on the whole it’s easier to leave off the panties entirely than deal with the mechanics of a thong. Especially if you’re blessed with an abundant derriere, like so many of our Quiminology staffers. (Computer Butt Syndrome.)
However, when we ran across this C-thong device (see photos below), we were all glued to our monitors. Once again, those drunken engineers have come up with an idea guaranteed to drive women to drink alongside them.
This delightful…er…thong thing is crafted with some kind of wiring, making it flexible and keeping it (allegedly) in place. Our take on this? Well, if you’re short a boomerang at any time, this would work and could possibly double as a hair band in a pinch.(No pun intended.) If you’re seriously into discomfort, this would also fit the bill. It doesn’t look like it would fit any of us. When someone suggested we get one and do more research, our staffers suddenly remembered meetings elsewhere and the room emptied in zero point two microseconds.
So overall, the vote on this little quim-protector is an emphatic NO. If anyone out there has one, do let us know if it works? Feel free to send photos and your address. We’ll send ointment for the chafed spots and a pair of soft cotton knickers.
Virtual Speed Dating
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Quiminology
There is some disagreement among musicians and the general public as to weather “jelly roll” refers to the male or the female sexual apparatus. However, any quim expert—or quiminologist, as we like to be called—worth her salt will tell you that jelly roll as a term for women’s genitals goes back more than a century.
“Jelly” has been used to refer to semen for even longer—at least back to the early 1600s—and if you’ve never heard a guy talking about jerking his jelly before, I’ll bet you can figure out what it means right quick.
The likewise aptly descriptive “jelly bag” refers to the scrotum. Jelly roll came to have a broader and more confusing meaning in the late 1800s and early 1900s, when blues singers and others used it to mean just about anything related to sex and the southerly anatomy of either sex. More recent lyricists seem to think of it more as a penis than a vulva.
The look of the actual object may be at least partially responsible for the confusion. A jelly roll is a log-shaped confection made of a thin sponge cake smeared with jelly and sometimes cream, then rolled into a very male-looking cylinder and finally sliced into a very female-looking circle with a creamy, jelly-filled center. Either way, it’s a yummy image, and we don’t have to think up our own sentences for examples. Popular music is filled with them: “Come over here, baby and put the jelly in my jelly roll.”
If you can get past the initial image of Winnie the Pooh sticking his finger in a clay jar, the idea of your foo-foo as a honey pot is actually quite lovely. The term in this capacity was obviously coined by someone with a huge affection for women and their vaginal secretions. Honey is thick and sweet and golden—even precious in some times and places. It’s an appetizing term and still earthy enough to avoid the air of some goody-two-shoes euphemism. Let’s try it in a sentence: "If you give me a bite of your cannoli, I’ll let you taste my honey pot." That should do the trick. What healthy heterosexual man would turn down an offer like that?
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Who's Raising the Children?
Monday, October 22, 2007
Girls for Sale
Fortunately, some rights groups are working to change the custom and enforce existing laws, including Medica Mondiale and Women for Afghan Women, both of whom could use our help.
Friday, October 19, 2007
One Born Every Minute
Jordan Gann was caught this week in Tampa, Florida, after years of scamming women in several states out of thousands of dollars. His twin bro, Simon, whom police suspect of making money the same way, is still at large. His latest victim met him in Orlando and took him home with her to Tampa, where she and her friend bought him $1,000 worth of CDs, clothes, meals and even a cell phone after he told them he had forgotten his credit cards. He had told them he was a doctor who had become rich selling his cancer research to a drug company.
Yeah, this guy's a jerk, and I hope he has to pay full restitution to his victims. I also hope his victims wise up after this. If a guy bums money from you as soon as you meet him, run the other way--no matter how cute he is or how good his reason seems to be.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Off Topic: EC Seeks More African-American models
Darrell King c/o Ellora's Cave
1056 Home Ave.
Akron, OH 44310
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
G-Shot
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
misogyny hits a record low
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Perfume - or The Scent of a Woman
(Our Quiminologists get double points for using no less than two movie titles in one line!) Yes, ladies, we smell. No matter how much we bathe, powder, spritz and spray, we still possess a unique fragrance all our own. Our personal Eau de Quim. Is it pheromones? Possibly. Our scientists didn’t go that far into the research, but what they did uncover is fascinating.
Studies in mice have shown a “vomeronasal organ” which results in a mouse going nutso when he finds his mate. And it’s all based on smell (and explains why there are so many damn mice around). Whether humans can react as strongly to the “right” scent is still up for debate, but we uncovered one interesting piece of data from the journal “Ethology”. (Yes, we looked it up. It means “a branch of knowledge dealing with human character and with its formation and evolution”. Make a note. There’ll be a quiz later).
During a woman’s most fertile days, her personal odor is judged to be “pleasant” to a male. The same woman, when not fertile, was judged “not pleasant”. We assume those conducting this study were too polite to use the word “Bleeecchhhh”. And guys, you’re not off the hook here. The same study showed that fertile women found the aroma of a dominant man’s armpits very sexually appealing during ovulation. Now, since the men were asked to assess themselves in terms of how dominant they felt, our Quiminologists tend to view these results with a little skepticism. After all, we can’t imagine too many men saying “Actually, I feel like a wuss, today. Leave me out.”
So next time you reach for those fragrance products, ask yourself if you really want to hide your unique signature aroma. Does your partner deserve a nasal-stinging whiff of exotic flowers from a tropical garden, or would he prefer the warm sexy scent of his woman’s quim? We’ll leave it to you to decide…
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Empress on the Mount
I met a man on the internet and we have fallen in love. Now he wants to meet and I’m in a panic. I sent him a 15-year-old picture of myself, from when I was much slimmer and better looking. I’ve told him my real age but the years have not been kind to me and I look almost nothing like that picture. I don’t want to lose this man but I’m afraid if he sees the way I look now, he won’t want anything to do with me. I would just stall him until I could get liposuction and a facelift but it turns out that costs a lot of money. My question is this: Could you loan me $79,000?
—Your Devoted Fan
No.
For more pearls of wisdom from Her High Unholiness, visit her column in Lady Jaided emagazine.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Alpha with all Caps
Jamo is a IFBB Pro Bodybuilder. Orignally from Algeria, Jamo has circled the globe and now lives in LA.
Much more that merely glorious muscle (and he has that in spades), Jamo speaks French, English and Arabic and holds a degree in science and biology. He holds to what he calls a simple philisophy - namely "What you see is what you get".
Woo hoooo! Can I get that to go?
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Have you seen this pedophile?
Pajama Party
Friday, October 5, 2007
Fashion Police Strike Again
Those prudish folks at Southwest Airlines have struck again. This time they made Joe Winiecki turn his t-shirt (pictured above) inside out. This is the same airline that apologized recently for giving Hooters waitress Kayla Ebbers a hard time for wearing an outfit that left very little of her anatomy to the imagination. Is it offensive? Maybe to some people. Frankly, I wouldn't be thrilled to see him galumping toward the seat next to me in a shirt like that. But I'm not thrilled to sit next to a lot of people in airplanes, including poorly behaved children and their parents, guys who hog the arm rest, and especially people who emit various odors from their bodies or the food they bring onboard.
Flying is a often a crowded, unpleasant and tiresome business. If you're gonna fly, you just have to suck it up and accept the fact that not everyone shares your tender sensibilities. It's the price of being in the public realm. Airlines need to concern themselves with making flights as safe and comfortable as possible and not worry about how people are dressed.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Empress on the Mount
Why are bad boys such a turn-on? I’ve been dating a perfectly nice man with a good job and decent social and sexual skills. I’m bored senseless with him. He has an artist friend who’s moody, drinks to excess and constantly mooches cigarettes, money and meals. When he turns his stormy eyes on me, I want to jump his bones. Why can’t I get the same spark from the good guy? And don’t just tell me I’m a dumb bitch. A lot of my female friends feel the same way.
—Glutton for Punishment
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Thomas vs. Hill Round 2
Chemical Reaction
By Sarah Skilton
Animal magnetism. Love at first sight. The spark. (Sing it with me: “Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger, you may see a stranger across a crowded room…”) You know it when you feel it: chemistry, that elusive quality that makes you “click” with a man.
Why do some men bring it out in us, and others don’t? Is chemistry based purely on physical attraction, or is it something deeper and more elemental? Most importantly, is it accurate?
Several theories claim to explain the phenomena comprising instant attraction, including pheromones, body symmetry, and “love maps”: subconscious lists developed from birth, stored in our brains to paint a mental picture of our perfect mate.
In the right combination, any of the above can form a potent cocktail of attraction. The first, and most obvious, sign of attraction is triggered by sight. Gary Stollman, Ph.D., a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, believes our attraction for particular physical traits in the opposite sex is a hardwired survival mechanism that goes back thousands of years.
“Women see men as potential suitors, protectors and providers; the reason many women are attracted to tall men, for example, is that they appear to be stronger, like they can protect you or provide you with healthy, tall children. This all occurs at the unconscious level.”
Our preferences are also influenced by the society in which we live. In modern-day America, men seek women with curves and a slim waist, whereas in earlier time periods, particularly in Europe, plump or robust attributes carried more weight — excuse the pun.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Banned Books Week
First observed in 1982, Banned Books Week reminds Americans not to take this essential democratic freedom for granted. The event is sponsored by the American Booksellers Association, the American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression, the American Library Association (ALA), the Association of American Publishers, the American Society of Journalists and Authors and the National Association of College Stores. It is endorsed by the Library of Congress Center for the Book.
Half of the challenges were based on sexual explicitness or the use of “offensive language.” According to the ALA’s Office for Intellectual Freedom, of the 6,364 challenges to books in the decade from 1990-2000, 1,607 were based on “sexually explicit” material, 1,427 were because of the use of “offensive language,” 842 were because of the inclusion of “Occult theme…or Satanism,” and 515 were challenged due to homosexual themes. A challenge is an attempt to remove materials from libraries or bookstores or otherwise restrict access to them, based upon the objections of a person or group. A banning is the actual removal of those materials. Among the top ten most challenged author between 1990 and 2004 are Steven King, J.K. Rowling, Maya Angelou, R.L. Stine, Judy Blume and John Steinbeck.