Thursday, January 10, 2008

Empress on the Mount

Ms. Empress:
I read your advice to the woman whose bf talks to his penis, but have you ever heard of a guy who talks to his lover’s fa-fa? Yes, he calls my muff Gina, which I don’t really mind. Sort of a nice name for it, don’t you think? And believe it or not, it can be a real turn-on when he asks my Gina how she is and whether she likes what he’s doing or maybe might like it harder or faster, dirtier, that sort of thing. But now he’s starting to direct comments to Gina sometimes when we’re not being intimate. I’m thrilled he loves that part of me, but this seems a bit extreme. What do you think?

Um … I have to ask, does he order Gina a Caesar salad when you go out for a meal? I own to a smidge of concern that he’s trying to chat with your genitals other than when you’re indulging in some carnal cavorting. The next time Gina is included in the conversation and you deem it inappropriate, tell your partner that it makes you uncomfortable. If he doesn’t listen, wave a meat cleaver in front of his crotch and ask if ‘Little Petey’ (or Horace or Tarquin or whatever name you prefer for his dick) would like to play.
That should get the message across. Of course, he might also run screaming but then, do you really want a guy who’s likely to have a deep and meaningful with your vagina when your mum drops by …

For more pearls of wisdom from the Empress, read her column in Lady Jaided magazine.

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