Friday, February 8, 2008

Empress on the Mount

Dear Empress:
My honey is a little bit dense in the lovemaking department. He doesn’t seem to understand hints about what I want him to do when we’re having sex. Nudging, pushing, prodding, moaning, even placing his hand or head where I want it all seem to fail to give him the picture. I have to tell him very specifically what I want. It takes the romance out of lovemaking for me but I’m willing to try if it will make sex more satisfying. My problem is that I just don’t have a word for my, uh, nether regions that I like to use. They all seem so icky or clinical or silly. What word do you use for yours?
Miss Muffet

OK, so let me see if I have this straight. You have a partner who can only find his dick because it’s attached and you’re worrying about what to call a body part? Please, please, please make sure you use birth control. You two simply cannot be allowed to breed.

For more pearls of wisdom from Her Ornery Eminence, see her column in Lady Jaided magazine.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Laughed so hard I hyperventilated. I second the motion on protection--lots of it!

The Empress said...

Hell yes, the thought of more of those two running around is enough to put one off sex forever.

Susan Edwards said...

Dahling, that's not what you're supposed to think about when you're having sex! Don't you hum the national anthem and think of the queen or something?

The Empress said...

Get real. I'm Australian, who the hell knows the national anthem?

And considering the Queen's kids, I definitely wouldn't want to think of her - during sex or at any other time.

Susan Edwards said...

Still, it begs the question, my dear. What do you think of during sex? (I think of Marvin Gaye in burgundy satin pajamas singing "Sexual Healing," which he actually did at a concert I attended.)
BTW, remember those penis-shaped ice-cube trays? Fabulous, the best gift I got for Christmas this year. Made with plain water or lime juice, they dress up any cocktail or punchbowl, and made with chocolate milk, they make succulent light fudgesicles. Remind me to tell you sometime about accidentally serving penis-shaped icicles with Coca-cola to some workmen at my house.

The Empress said...

I'd have paid to see the look on the workmen's faces. Bloody brilliant.

Though pardon me if I find it a smidge difficult to believe that one can 'accidentally' serve penis-shaped ice-cubes in a drink ...

Susan Edwards said...

Well, the whole story is a bit longer, but if you must know: You remember that the tray has like five penises? they made such cute icicles that I froze a bunch made with different liquids, including fresh-squeezed lime juice from my Persian lime tree and regular water and put them into freezer bags and stashed them in the freezer with a bunch of other baggies of ice cubes, which I always keep in the freezer. When the workmen were having lunch, one of them asked for ice, and, forgetting about the penis cubes momentarily, I just told him to help himself from the baggies in the freezer. He was in there rummaging around when I remembered the penis-cicles and rushed to help him. He had a baggie of them in his hand. I dunno for sure if he figured out what they were before I grabbed them and threw them back in the freezer and fished out a baggie of regular ice cubes.

Interesting, though, how you still deflected the original question...