Killing the Valentine Blues

Is there any holiday that sucks the blood out of a woman's pride faster than Valentine's Day? Doesn't matter if you're single or attached. Doesn’t matter if you look like a Victoria’s Secret model and are perfectly happy with your partner or lack of one. One way or another, that chubby little winged bastard is gonna try to make you feel pathetic come Valentine’s Day.

If you’re single, your friends will look at you with pity and try not to brag about romantic dinners eaten and expensive baubles received. Coworkers will be patronizingly sympathetic and offer you a chocolate from their humongous red-velvet, heart-shaped box of candy. Maudlin ads and romantic television shows will tell you that everyone except for you is madly, passionately in love with the perfect lover who anticipates her every wish and grants it lavishly.

If you’re married or in a relationship, your friends will ask what your partner did for you and try not to purse their lips disapprovingly when you tell them you got a cheap stuffed animal or a half-dead, plastic-wrapped rose from the drugstore, and a burrito dinner at the neighborhood taco stand (with extra cheese!). When your coworkers hear about it, they’ll laugh out loud and make sure it gets on the office blog.

Either way, you’re screwed. Oh, I know, lots of women out there are thinking, What’s she talking about? I get jewelry, a romantic dinner and 14 orgasms every Valentine’s Day. I’m happy for you. I really am. You probably don’t need to read this unless you just want to feel superior and laugh at the rest of us—which can be fun—but I’m talking to the other 95 percent of women.

I say, slay that little bare-assed, heart-stomping Valentine vampire before he kills your self-respect. Here’s how:

Regardless of how many friends and lovers you may have, it’s important to be a good friend and lover to yourself. At no time is this more important than on Valentine’s Day. Like any good lover, you will need to work to please and delight that supremely gorgeous and fantastic creature that is you, wonderful you.

First, ask yourself if there’s anything in particular you’ve been yearning for but refuse to buy because it’s too frivolous. An emerald bracelet? A silk robe or cashmere sweater? French perfume? Be as extravagant as you can afford to, but don’t put yourself in the poor house for your Valentine gift. Do make it something sensual and frivolous, though, even if it’s just a token bauble, like a new pair of earrings.

Next, send flowers to yourself. Again, this could be a huge display of rare beauty or a single red rose. Sign the card something like, Happy Valentine’s Day from a secret admirer who loves you the most. You are one hot, gorgeous hunk of womanflesh! Don’t say anything, and don’t answer any questions. Just blush and shrug whenever anyone asks about it.

Buy some chocolate—again, anything from a bag of Hershey’s Kisses to a box of Belgium’s finest. Save some to take to work and give away after V-Day.

If you can afford it, get a masseuse to come to your house and give you a massage, or go to a salon and get a manicure and pedicure. Otherwise, take a luxurious bath and give yourself a pedicure.

Whether you can afford it or not, get yourself a new sex toy — anything from a vibrator to an erotic book or DVD. No tearjerkers allowed. Only hot, happy stuff that doesn’t make you think too much.

Treat yourself to take-out from your favorite restaurant or, if you love to cook, make your favorite dish. Don’t forget to have something special to drink. Doesn’t have to be alcohol, though I like a good bottle of wine when I’m wooing myself.

I don’t think I need to tell you what to do from there. If you prepare properly, you’ll have a truly enjoyable Valentine’s Day, with or without a lover, and will awake the next day relaxed, refreshed, and satisfied.

And you’re safe from that cute little blood-sucking Valentine vampire for another year.

--By Buffy the Valentine Slayer