Friday, March 14, 2008

Empress on the Mount

Mistress Mount:
I’m looking for a woman who will tell me what to do and punish me if I disobey her. I think you might be the one I’ve been looking for my whole life. Make me your slave. Walk on me with your high heels. Put a gag in my mouth and spank me with your hairbrush. In return, I’ll cook and clean for you, wash your hair, massage your feet and anything else you want.
What do you say?
your humble slave

Firstly, that’s Empress Mount to you. Secondly, why the hell would I want a whining wiener like you? From the tone of your letter, I assume that your testicles make peanuts loom large in one’s mind. Anyway, I don’t want a snivelling prat grovelling at my feet—I much prefer to do my own “conditioning” of potential supplicants. I enjoy the way they wriggle—fruitlessly—on the hook.
And stay the hell away from my hairbrush. You simply aren’t worth it.
For more insults pearls of wisdom from Her Crankiness, read her monthly column in Lady Jaided emagazine.


Flick said...

Send me the humble slave's number, pronto. I'm not picky and I have a mound of ironing he can do. Umm - and a few other things that need touching up.

The Empress said...

Bloody hell, I forgot the ironing. Most annoying.

Hell, I could have rented him out - Have Ironing Board, Will Grovel.

Anonymous said...

Wise woman, Flick. It appears the Empress has so many servants already she doesn't need more. Do share with the rest of us, Your Crankiness.

The Empress said...

er ... no. Can't say I'm buried in servants. Adoring fans, yes. (None of whom iron.) Servants, no.