Monday, March 24, 2008

Empress on the Mount

Darling Empress:
I need to know if my dh is normal or oversexed. He would have sex every day, sometimes twice, if I would permit it. I, on the other hand, would prefer once a week or so. I don’t want him to feel the need to stray but the thought of sex every day frankly makes me shudder. How can we make this work?
Saturday Night Lover
Dh + dick = sex. Duh. All shudders aside, you’ll have to suck it up (literally) twice a week to train your man to your timetable. After all, his hand can only do so much when you keep turning him down.
You need to condition your partner that on the nights you’re appreciative of his advances (ie you don’t wave a machete near his groin), he gets mind-blowing (though you’ll need to blow body parts other than his mind for this to work) sex. On your chosen nights, let’s say Wednesdays and Saturdays, you suck his socks off several times, ride him like a bucking bronco and have more moves than in “Debbie Does Dallas” parts II, III and IV. It sounds exhausting but we both know he’ll collapse in a heap after the first blowjob and you’ll have a quiet night after that.
If he even thinks about approaching you on any other night, it’s either Madam Machete or a snoring lump. It might take a few weeks and some yanking on a choke collar (or cock ring) but your man will learn. Remember, it’s all about positive reinforcement.
And keeping a machete by your bedside wouldn’t hurt either.


Flick said...

I slipped with the machete and had a bit of an accident. Any advice? Will superglue work?

The Empress said...

oopsey ... perhaps a band-aid? Or, when in doubt, deny everything (please tell me you didn't make home movie of Madam Machete).

Flick said...

Damnit - too late with the bandaid advice, got my finger superglued to his bits but at least the things are attached again. And appear to be working. Down boy!

But you're in trouble. I'd never even have thought of storing a machete near the bed if it hadn't been for you. Expect a call from my lawyers.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. Flick, with your, uh, challenges in the dexterity department, you might be better off with a simple firearm rather than a machete, which really takes some practice to wield properly. And do heed the Empress' advice never to make home movies during training sessions.

The Empress said...

Or perhaps a baseball bat?

I have a friend who swears by them and never travels without one. One problem she does find though, is that they're not exactly purse-sized. Hell, that's what NASA should be working on, a collapsible baseball bat. The moon will still be there next week.

Idiot males, they never could prioritise.

Anonymous said...

That's what I like about pistols. Perfect size to tuck in your purse or pocket. And much lighter than a bat.

But maybe it's still too dangerous for Flick to handle, given her penchant for, uh, overkill. She needs something smaller, with a lower kill ratio on fumbles. If it's a blade we're talking about, a paring knife works just fine if you keep it sharp and use it right. And again, it's portable and not quite large enough to require superglue if you happen to slip.

Really, Empress, Bats! It's all well and good for you, with your medieval mace collection, but imagine the damage this poor girl would do with a bat!

The Empress said...

um ... doesn't one need a licence to carry a concealed weapon? Yet more crap one would have to stuff in one's purse.

As it happens, I have the perfect solution - grab a vegie peeler! Heck, they're easy to obtain, easy (and legal) to conceal, easy to use, have a blade and come in a variety of colours and sizes so one can accessorise. Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Concealed weapons permit? Isn't that an oxymoron? If you conceal it properly, who would know?

But I agree, the veggie peeler is brilliant! I love that you can accessorize.