Empress on the Mount

Honoured Highness:
You are a wise and enigmatic creature. I have learned so much about sex from you that Camilla says she is utterly in your debt. The mystery surrounding you is most intriguing and I find myself fantasising about you sometimes. I’ve tried learning more about you but so far Scotland Yard has drawn a blank. What exactly are you Empress of?
Your Devoted Charles

Charles precious, how frightfully spiffing to hear from you! Though tsk, tsk, tsk, protocol Charles dear, protocol. I’m The Empress, therefore it’s Honoured Majesty. And what the bloody hell would your mum say with your ending a sentence with a preposition. Not such a jolly good show, sweetie.
And Charles, we’ve been through this. Scotland Yard knows what I want them to know about me. Nothing. No whining, dear, that’s just the way it is. You’re a prince, I’m an Empress. I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again—you can’t afford me.


Dear Empress:
I could really go for a royal chick. I’m a chick magnet. All the ladies love me but I’d throw them all over for you. Do you live in a castle? Is it close to the ocean? If so, I’ll bring my surfboard. Chicks love watching me surf. You can send your address to me at bohunkman589321022@varizon.com I can’t wait to see your castle.
Most people just call me Dude but you can call me,
King of Your Heart

Charles, you’re being a total tosser, you overgrown pillock. Nice try but you’re not getting my address. For all the good it will do you, I’ll tell you this much about my home – it’s surrounded by the ocean.
Now stop being such a prat. Poor Camilla is distraught. My Inbox is flooded with her hysterical emails. Go and buy her a new corgi as an apology for your behaviour.
And don’t worry about seeing my castle, for I’ll certainly never let your drawbridge near it.

For more of the Empress' caustic pearls of wisdom, visit her at Lady Jaided magazine