Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Empress on the Mount

Dubious Sex and Dating Advice From a Cranky Aussie *cough* Royal

Dear Empress:
My new love lives a thousand miles away and so we only get to see each other every month or so. In the interim, I get so horny I can hardly stand it. We sort of started having phone sex but then he stopped because he says it’s too frustrating. Your Majesty, I’m about climbing the walls here. How can I get him to start talking dirty to me again?

Tell him that you wouldn’t dream of making him uncomfortable, so you’ve started calling a phone sex line and “Julio’s” delicious accent and suggestions get more than your imagination quivering. (Okay, so we both know that Julio is probably Bob from Podunk who collects roadkill as a hobby but your bloke doesn’t need to know this.)

If this isn’t enough to spur your lover into verbal action, invest in some toys of the vibrating kind. And ram them where you think they’ll do the most good when you next see Mr Tall, Dark and Silent.

Glorious One:
Do you know the legal definition for justifiable homicide? I gave my husband a season ticket to his stupid baseball team for Christmas and he gave me a tire pressure gauge. I feel that his death, drawn-out and painful, is the only adequate response. Any ideas of how I can get my point across to him without going to jail?

If you could guarantee the jury would be women only. Hell, you’d be acquitted and rightly so. But I don’t know if that’s possible so we’ll have to stick to legal means to educate your husband. Dammit.

You need to get your hands on that season ticket. As you obviously chose such a poor present for him (waaaaaay too expensive and not car-related), it’s only right that you make up for your appalling selfishness by selling the ticket (I’m presuming that they’re not cheap and you can get rid of it on ebay or the like). With the money from the sale, buy yourself jewellery, shoes or whatever you’d like (i.e., what he should have bought you for Christmas in the first place) and get him something he really wants. Perhaps a quart of oil for the car? After all, you made the thoughtless mistake and it’s up to you to make amends.

You’re doing it because you care. Really.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she said “nothing.” So I didn’t get her anything. Now she won’t talk to me (which is fine) but she refuses to have sex too. Why should I suffer because I listened to her? Why can’t women be more like men?

Women aren’t like men because then the species would have self-destructed whilst still in amoeba form. As in, you did what your wife said, not what she meant.

The defence rests.
For more pearls of wisdom from the Empress, visit our ezine, Lady Jaided

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