Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Empress on the Mount

Dubious sex advice from a questionable monarch

Your Grace:
Sex after 13 years of marriage gets to be just a wee bit redundant. So sometimes I let myself imagine that my dh is someone else. A few weeks ago, I was indulging in a fantasy about Daniel Day-Lewis and I accidentally shouted out, ‘Give it to me, Danny!” during an intimate moment. My dh’s name is Phillip, so there was no fudging it. He never said a word about it but he has avoided sex ever since. How can I make it up to him or make him forget?

*ouch* Not good. Though there is one point on your side, men have the attention spans of gerbils, so you should be able to distract him.
Get a DVD of DD-L’s “Last of the Mohicans,” then find a costume shop and get some frontier wear for your dh. Then get booze. You need your dh tipsy and wobbly but not at the point where disgusting things ooze from orifices (his). While plying him with liquor, have the DVD playing and breathlessly exclaim how the “manly, studly, giant-testicled” DD-L reminds you of your dh. Gush and rave about how having your dh dressed in buckskin (or whatever the hell DD-L wore) is your personal fantasy. This is where orifices (yours), are important.

At the end of the night, you need your dh dressed in the costume, snoring in bed (a blowjob would help here). When he wakes up, make sure you look as though DD-L spent the night waving his war-axe at you. It doesn’t matter whether or not you had sex with your dh, just as long as he thinks you did. When your gerbil … sorry, dh is coherent, throw yourself at him and thank him for the night of your life.

OK, so we both know it’s a con job but remember, you’re doing it for him. Really.


NewIberia said...

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has ever done that! I covered my faux pas with a line about a story I was reading and I wondered how the hero's name would sound shouted out during the Big O. My dh didn't think it was funny and told me to let him know in advance if I was going to experiment with any more names from books I've read.

The Empress said...

Wow, what a save! Brilliant thinking on your feet ... er, back. Ladies, take note, always have an excuse or two ready to cover somewhat 'delicate' intimate moments.