Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Empress on the Mount

Questionable Advice From a Dubious Monarch

Dear Empress:
My best friend hasn’t been laid in a few years and I know she’s really horny and lonely. She’s not much of a looker and she’s shy with men, so the prognosis isn’t getting any better with each passing year. I’d like to get her a male escort for her birthday to take her out and show her a good time. I want to get one who will make her feel comfortable and not be sleazy. He doesn’t have to be a professional. Any advice on how to go about that?

Please, please, tell me you’re not buying your friend a hooker for her birthday. Because when she finds out (and she will; dirty little secrets never stay hidden), she’s a. going to hate you (which doesn’t matter) and b. hate herself (which does).

Instead of humiliating your friend, why not bring her out of her shell a bit. Take her to places where she’s more likely to meet men who share her interests. Suggest a makeover day for the both of you, a new outfit, hell, a different brand of toothpaste. Whatever will give her some confidence. You’re her best friend, so you must know what would work.

I have to ask, were you going to gift-wrap the gigolo? I shudder to think where you would have put the bow.

No comments: