Friday, May 30, 2008

Tasty Thighs (for Emeril)

Hot Mama confesses to special tingly feelings for Emeril Lagasse. Watching his cooking show on the Food Network is like hanging out in his kitchen and having him seduce you with food and music. (Oh, yeah, baby! Tingly feelings for Doc Gibbs and the rest of the band too.)

It’s just true that a man in an apron is sexy, and there’s nothing hotter than a man at the stove. Even an ugly man looks beautiful when he’s cooking up a special dish just for you. Take Iron Chef Bobby Flay. Mmmmmm. Yummy. He’s a whole different kind of sexy from Emeril. Bobby, I could see spending time with, maybe years. Emeril would have to leave by noon the next day—after round three or four of raucous, rambunctious amore, of course.

I’d have him whip me up an omelet before leaving, though, and then maybe come back to bed for a couple more rounds. But he’d have to be gone by 4 p.m., I swear. By then I’d probably be sick of him yelling “Kick it up a notch!” every time he changed positions or “Bam!” every time he hit my g-spot.

This recipe is my variation of one he did with shrimp and fish, which was as spicy and tasty as the man himself. But I can’t give you his recipe because he might sue me. In which case he’d probably never cook me dinner and then breakfast.

1 lb. boneless, skinless chicken thighs
1 cup sweet red pepper cut in chunks
1 cup green bell pepper cut in chunks
Half cup of olives
1 cup onions
½ cup sliced fennel bulb (substitution: celery)
Six roma tomatoes, chopped (or a 14 oz. can of chopped tomatoes)
2 tablespoons tomato paste
Parsley, thyme and bay leaf, chopped basil, minced garlic, all preferably fresh
Salt, cayenne
Dash of Worchestershire sauce
Hot sauce, preferably Crystal Hot Sauce
2-3 tablespoons olive oil
One 14-oz. can of Swanson’s chicken broth.

In a large Dutch oven, heat 2 tablespoons olive oil over medium heat and brown chicken (5-10 minutes per side) Remove chicken and set aside.

Add another tablespoon of oil if necessary and stir in pepper, onions, fennel, salt and cayenne. Toss in oil for 2-3 minutes and add garlic. When garlic is browned, add tomatoes and stir in tomato paste. Add parsley, thyme, basil, Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce and chicken broth and bring to boil.

Add chicken and olives, reduce heat, cover and stew over low heat for 30 to 45 minutes, until chicken is fall-apart tender.

Serve with crusty French bread. Did I mention it’s low fat?

Hot Mama Cooks is a monthly column in Lady Jaided magazine

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Kisses Sweeter Than Wine

The New York Times has a story today about NYC trendsters discovering a tiny fruit from West Africa known as Miracle Fruit (Synsepalum dulcificum). When you eat the small red berry, it reacts with certain acids and makes things like lemons taste sweet as candy. One New Yorker, who is giving tasting parties with the berries, said people went a little crazy at one party and started tasting everything in his kitchen. It's only a matter of time before someone tries it with French kissing and oral sex. Maybe they already have and the gray lady was simply too ladylike to report such randy usage. Anybody out there ever tried it? Might be the next best thing to happen to the ol' bj since Pop Rocks. You can order Miracle Fruit at Tradewinds Fruit and other places on the internet but unless you live in a very hot frost-free zone, you have to grow the plant inside.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

Anyone who's ever had a broken heart might not be surprised to hear that, in addition to making you wish you were dead, it actually can kill you. There is a real medical condition known as the broken heart syndrome. It mimicks a heart attack and follows an intense physical or emotional event, such as news of a death, loss of a large sum of money, a frightening medical diagnosis, maybe even a break-up. Most people recover without treatment, but some actually die from it. 90 percent of the cases occur in women, mostly over age 50.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Even Educated Fleas Do It

Quick, what creature enjoys a little pain with sex? What female insect devours her mate while having sex? How would you like see Isabella Rossellini dressed up like a male bug humping a female? Sound too strange to be true, even for the grande dame of weird? Check out green porno on the Sundance site for a series of shorts written and acted by Ms. Rossellini and depicting how creatures such as earthworms, fireflies and spiders have sex.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Empress on the Mount

Your Eminence:
When I first started dating Hank, I found his beard stubble quite stimulating. Now I just find it itchy and a smidge smelly. How can I get him to shave it without embarrassing him or hurting his feelings?
Beard Burned

I can think of several methods but as you’ve gone all girly on me about Hank’s feelings, I spose a Weed Whacker is out. Pity.
Heck, just tell him that his stubble has given you a rash “down there” and you won’t be able to have sex until he’s clean-shaven. I’m willing to bet he’ll be racing for a razor before you finish the sentence.
For more pearls of wisdom from Her Crankiness, see her Empress on the Mount column in Lady Jaided magazine

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Look of Lust

Sure, women like tight buns, six-pack abs and an ample package on a man. But if his eyes lack that special spark, chances are we’ll ultimately pass a muscleman by for a regular guy with a look in his eyes that says something is going on behind them.

He might have a paunch or skinny legs, but he can make us go weak in the knees if he looks at us just the right way. A look can say he likes what he sees, or he knows what we’re thinking. A look can share a private joke or turn a kiss into a melding of two souls. Show us a firm butt that can do all that.
For more eye candy, check out Lady Jaided's May Man Candy

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Anatomy of Pleasure

File this under things both women and men should know: What most people think of as the clitoris is only the tip of a woman’s pleasure apparatus, much like the head of the penis. The whole clitoris is actually about 3.5 inches long with two bulbs along both sides of the vagina. Pleasure is the sole known function of the clitoris and it has 8,000 nerve fibers extending throughout the pelvic region, including vaginal walls. Some researchers are now suggesting that the G-spot may actually be the back side of the clitoris.
People who don't understand the anatomy of the clitoris tend to focus on the tip, which is like stimulating only the the crown of a man's penis.
For more information: Women to Women
For an excellent discussion: Lazy Geisha

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Killer Sex Toys

Why your Energizer Boner might be hazardous to your health

by Anna J. Evans

Imagine this scene: It’s Saturday night and you’ve been reading something steamy by one of your favorite Ellora’s Cave authors. Maybe you’re between lovers, your hubby is out of town, or perhaps you’re just not in the mood to deal with a cock or the man attached to it on this particular night. So you reach over to your bedside table, open the drawer and pull out…

(Cue scary music.)

A potentially cancer-causing hunk of chemically unstable plastic!

Unfortunately, that’s probably exactly what you’re getting. The basic material of choice for most popular erotic toys is polyvinyl chloride (PVC)—plastic that releases cancer-causing dioxin during manufacture and disposal. To make matters worse, in order to soften the PVC and give these toys the more lifelike, jelly-rubber feel that many erotic toy users prefer, they are treated with phthalates.

Phthalates have been linked to numerous health problems including obesity, kidney disease, abnormal estrogen and sperm production and prenatal genital development. And they have been proven to transmit via breast milk to infants. Two recent studies have also shown phthalates are even more unstable when they come into contact with fatty tissue, or become warm or damp.

I’ll let you fill in the blank there on your own. But I have to tell you—if your vibrator isn’t in a warm, damp place, you aren’t using it right.

Surely the government is protecting us from killer sex toys, you may think. Unfortunately, you’d be wrong. Nothing is being done to protect sex-toy users from these dangerous chemicals. Thirteen nations including the U.S., Japan, and Canada have banned use of these chemicals in children’s toys, but so far no one has considered doing the same for the adult market. Because you’ll notice—if you look at the packaging of your average erotic toy—it's probably been labeled a "novelty," a gag gift not intended for actual use. This classification allows the Consumer Product Safety Commission to avoid responsibility for these adult playthings, many of which are made in China of the cheapest possible materials. Which are…you guessed it, PVCs.

Read the rest of this article (and lots of other great stuff) free in the May issue of Lady Jaided .