Friday, May 16, 2008

Empress on the Mount


Your Eminence:
When I first started dating Hank, I found his beard stubble quite stimulating. Now I just find it itchy and a smidge smelly. How can I get him to shave it without embarrassing him or hurting his feelings?
Beard Burned

I can think of several methods but as you’ve gone all girly on me about Hank’s feelings, I spose a Weed Whacker is out. Pity.
Heck, just tell him that his stubble has given you a rash “down there” and you won’t be able to have sex until he’s clean-shaven. I’m willing to bet he’ll be racing for a razor before you finish the sentence.
For more pearls of wisdom from Her Crankiness, see her Empress on the Mount column in Lady Jaided magazine

12 comments:

Flick said...

Maybe if she shaved her own off first as an example, it might help?

The Empress said...

I'd still go for the Weed Whacker but apparently there are laws about that sort of thing. Most odd.

Susan Edwards said...

Uh, wait, Flick, are you talking about the Empress' beard? She'd never shave that thing off. It keeps her neck warm and prevents the loss of even one crumb of her precious mint bikkies.

The Empress said...

Silly Susan, you're thinking of Jaid. She's the Mint Bikkie Freak (though what she can do with Violet Crumble has to be seen to be believed).

Flick said...

Voilet Crumble? That must be a US thing. Send samples quick. I'm always looking for new ideas to keep husband occupied. Oh, damn it, just send Jaid. He's moderately house trained and I'm sure she could tempt him with a mint bikkie.

The Empress said...

Sorry Flick, Violet Crumble is Australian, though you can find it in the States. If your husband has a sweet tooth he'll love it - honeycomb wrapped in chocolate.

Jaid holds the record for eating the most pieces in one sitting (without passing out I mean).

Flick said...

Oh, that sounds like a Crunchie. But no tif its real honeycomb. Do they have Crunchies in the States? I love to break a chunk off in my mouth and suck off the chocolate and then suck out the inside honeycomb bit until it dissolves.

Cold shower here I come.

Susan Edwards said...

I've never seen Crunchies here, but I've never seen Violet Crumbles here either, though the Empress swears they have them here.
Flick, you're obviously not in the States or Australia. Where are you?

Flick said...

Yorkshire, England. In a 30,000 inhabitant town overlooking sheep and moorland and sheep. Lots of sheep and lambs. But for three months of the year in Orlando, Florida and since the rain is pouring down here and the sheep are wet, I wish I was in the States right now.

Susan Edwards said...

Well I'm in Florida now, and it's suffocatingly dry and damn near too hot to breathe. Cool rain sounds heavenly.

The Empress said...

I think Crunchies are Cadbury and Violet Crumbles are Nestle. I've never actually bought VC in the States but am told you can get it online. That's if Jaid hasn't wiped out the available supply ...

I spent two days in Yorkshire, Flick, doing a BHS exam. I know what you mean about moors and sheep. Though I did manage to be on Ilka Moor B'ah Tat (I think that was the spelling).

We stayed in a rustic B&B. I say rustic because never before have I looked out a bathroom window and realised that my ablutions were being scrutinised by Highland Cattle. You too can be stalked by bovine sticky-beaks.

Flick said...

Oh Empress, I live only a stone's throw from Ilkley Moor! Fancy that.
Susan, if I could send you our rain, I would! I have to admit, Florida in the summer is too much to cope with unless you're by the sea. I was hoping you'd be having lots of rain to fill up all those lakes - especially the one at teh back of our house so the alligators go back to the swamp.