Thursday, June 26, 2008

A Passion for Food

The Maid of Honor’s Toast
By Hot Mama

I hate waking up in strange places. Especially gritty ones. This one was, by the looks of it, a sand trap. So many questions leapt to mind as I opened one eye and ran a dry tongue over the parched landscape of my mouth: How did I get here? When did I learn to play golf? Where are my shoes? What’s for lunch?

I stood up just in time to hear someone shout “Fore!” and dove back into the sand. The ball whizzed past my head, missing it by inches.

Maybe the impact jarred my memory. Or maybe it was the feel of the cool sand against my stomach. My bare stomach—and legs …

Uh oh.

Suddenly the memory of last night’s little bachelorette shebang flashed before my eyes. Patsy Rose’s last night as a single cowgirl. A bunch of us doing shots of tequila in the back of her pickup truck and singing Amy Winehouse songs. It didn’t seem sporting to just leer at the handsome stripper we hired while he peeled off his cop costume, so we all played a game of strip golf with croquet mallets on the public course down the street.

Now here I was, in bra and panties, waving off the apologies of an elderly golfer who was either nearly blind or too polite to acknowledge what I wasn’t wearing. A glance at his watch told me I had an hour to shower, put on my maid of honor dress and get to the church.

I needed a major morning-after antidote. I needed a:

Seriously Bloody Mary
2 ½ oz. tomato juice
Juice of ¼ lime
Dash of Crystal Hot Sauce
Dash of Worchestershire sauce
1 ½ oz. vodka

Shake with ice and serve in a tall glass with a fresh, crunchy stalk of celery—or large green olives speared with a cocktail pick.
Drink two before you even think about looking in the mirror.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Striking a Blow for Abstinence

We're all for sex education, but the folks at Shakopee Middle School in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area are showing a remarkable lack of common sense and sensitivity in the way they go about it, at least if you believe what Katherine Kersten reported in her Star Tribune column. Kersten said sixth-grade girls and boys were shown explicit films together, featuring naked males and females, bras, tampons, a live birth and "infra-red demonstration of an erection." She writes about a couple of kids who understandably were upset by the film, one boy who pulled his shirt over his head in embarrassment and a girl who went home in tears.

I would have been mortified at that age to see a film like that in a classroom with boys too. It's that kind of insensitivity that give the abstinence-only folks righteous ammunition. If we can't trust people who are supposed to be experts in child development and education to show better judgment than that, maybe we shouldn't let them educate our children about such an important topic as sex.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Are Most Women Bisexual?

Tell the truth, girlfriends. Does this picture turn you on--even the eensiest bit?
A recent study at Northwestern University says it probably turns you on as much as a picture of a man and woman doing similar things, even if you're heterosexual. The study indicates that homosexual and heterosexual women exhibit bisexual arousal patterns; that is they are equally aroused by male/male, female/female and male/female erotic films. This pattern contrasts with men, who generally respond only to erotic films that match their sexual preference.

Researchers concluded that women are more flexible in their sexual preferences than men and raised questions about why most women choose men if they are equally attracted to both men and women. Good question, especially these days, when women don't have to depend on men to be the breadwinners, and yet they still don't do their share of the housework.

Interestingly, the study raised the ire of some politicians, including U.S. Representative Jeff Flake (R-Arizona) who joined other lawmakers in complaining about the federal government providing $26,000 to help fund the study, calling it "a bizarre spending decision." There was no word on whether he and his cohorts also protested $90-million in federal funding to provide Viagra and other erectile-enhancing drugs to Medicare recipients. According to a report by the National Research Center for Women and Families, in 2006. Congress cut other medical programs in order to provide that amount to pay for medically-enhanced erections for men.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

ABCs of Intimacy

Be honest. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think about having sex every night for a year? (besides a sore cooter, I mean) One couple tried it and the wife, Charla Muller, wrote a book about it called, descriptively enough, 365 Nights. It all started as a 40th birthday gift to her husband and ended up, she says, restoring intimacy to their marriage. A recent New York Times article reports on this and another book, called Just Do It, by Doug Brown, who persuaded his wife to have sex every day for 101 days. Brown's book sounds a bit more entertaining and the couple was more imaginative about bringing in some variety, but basically, his conclusion was the same. More sex equals more intimacy.
I hate to be a wet blanket, but I can't help wondering if either couple had just committed to spending an hour every day being together and focusing on each other without the television, phone, kids or any of the other distractions they shut out to have sex, they might not have found the same outcome. Of course, that would not have sounded like a birthday present to Charla's husband, and Doug Brown likely wouldn't have had to persuade his wife to do that. And neither book would have gotten the media coverage it has.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Sexual Healing

In her new book called The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion, Gina Odgen, PhD, gently takes women on a voyage of sexual self-exploration and discovery based on over 30 years as a researcher and marriage, family and sex therapist. In it, she proposes an expanded model of sexual experience that she calls the ISIS Wheel of Sexual Desire, which embraces the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual components of sexuality. It's obviously not a new concept, but she puts it together in a way that largely avoids the tired cliches in most self-help books on the subject and the moony New Age beatitudes of some tantric sex tomes. Dr. Ogden does a good job of integrating our sexuality into our lives and our relationship with ourselves and our partners, if we have them.
Anyone who's been paying attention knows by now that women need to take responsibility for their own sexual pleasure and happiness instead of simply expecting men to know what we like, want and need. Dr. Ogden goes beyond the usual advice to women to light some candles, pour a glass of wine, take a bath and explore your body till you know what turns you on, so you can tell him what to do. She helps readers explore more deeply and realistically their whole relationship with themselves, their sexual history, and their partners in the service of improving the relationships, not just the sex.
She does, however, hold men responsible for learning more about how to truly make love to their partners and she gives some good, non-threatening and easy tips for helping him move past his focus on nipples and clitoris. She has a funny story about a woman who complained her husband rubbed her clit as if he were Simonizing his car. One thing even the most meat-and-taters guy would be willing to try is this one: "hold her against your chest with both of your hands between her shoulder blades and breathe in unison with her." Another one that's a bit more advanced but still pretty nonthreatening is to make mad, passionate love to each other for at least half an hour, but never go above the ankles.
The Return of Desire is a good book for anyone looking for greater self-acceptance and a fuller relationship with your whole self and your partner if you have one.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Empress on the Mount

Your Highness:
The way I see it, when I meet a man I want to sleep with, I have three options, none of which I like: One, take him to my house, which is out because I don’t want him to know where I live in case he turns out to be an asshole. Two, go to a hotel, which I can’t really afford. Three, go to his place, which, let’s face it, if he’s a single man is usually a nasty rat hole. Which should I do?
Horny Dilemma
Go for the rat-hole option. After all, if his home makes you gag, do you really want to get up close and personal with him? Or let anything of his get up close and personal with you? Just make sure you have your own transport so you can develop a sudden health problem and have to leave. Hell, invent a case of rampaging Ebola virus if necessary. Though usually the mention of a “woman’s problem” will have him more than thrilled to shove you out the door. If he still seems annoyingly keen, grab your stomach and mutter something about cramps. It’s a guaranteed dick-shriveler.
For more pearls of wisdom from Her Crankiness, see her Empress on the Mount column in Lady Jaided magazine.