Sunday, September 30, 2007

Love those Lips!

Not the ones beneath your nose, girlfriends, the ones between your legs! Our quiminologists have been exploring labia recently, armed with mirrors, calipers and - of course - the internet for reference. You’ve all done it, contorted yourself into a mock-yoga position and checked out those fleshy folds which hide and protect your secrets. If you haven’t…well, grab yourself a mirror and a quiet spot. It’s a fascinating topic.

We all have two sets of lips, or labia as the medical folk like to call ‘em. The labia majora are the outside ones, containing hair follicles and oil secreting glands. The inner ones, the labia minora, also contain oil glands but aren’t usually very hairy. Those are the common factors. The amazing thing? Just about every woman has their own personal variety of labial configuration! They really are as diverse as the population! From ruffles and flourishes to smooth and reclusive, a woman’s labia can range from small to enormous - and they’re all GOOD. No matter what you’ve heard, large inner labia that protrude are quite normal. So are labia that are different colors. (Okay, if you’ve got sparkly blue ones, you might want to get a second opinion.)

The three most common are “corrugated”, ”double loop” and “triple loop”. This refers to the folds of the inner labia as they peek shyly from the pussy. We’ve got stats, sizes, percentages and so on to demonstrate all this, but frankly that’s boring. What matters is that we love what we have.

So biking may result in a pinch or two, so what? Give up on the Tour de France. Bending over in a short skirt and a thong may flash something more than our butt cheeks. Who cares? It’s a definite turn-on for the guy behind us. So there’s a bulge in our bathing suits! We’re women. We can flaunt it! As long as we avoid the painful “Camel Toe” syndrome (where your pants are so tight they’re biting up between your labia, resembling a camel’s toe from a viewer’s frame of reference. Ouch!) then let those lips loose, ladies. Loose lips, in this case, don’t sink ships, they raise the masts!! (Pardon the nautical pun.)

Men, overall, aren’t recorded as having much of an opinion on labia. As long as they’re there and doing what they’re supposed to be doing, it’s all good to them. We’re the ones who obsess (don’t we always?) and even rush to cosmetic surgeons to have them “redesigned” to fit whatever we think is “perfect”. Well, here’s the scoop. There ISN’T a perfect labial shape. What you ARE right now, is perfect. Long, short, pink, brown, frilled, ruffled, smooth or fleshy - that’s perfection, baby. Love thy labia! It’s your special signature body part. Like you, it’s unique!

From your Quiminology Dept.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Empress on the Mount

Dear Ms. Mount:
My bf told me he wants to experiment with a menage a trois. I don’t have any moral objections but I’ve always felt that anything that involves three people is bad because someone ends up feeling left out.
How can I make sure that someone isn’t me?
Alpha Girl

Easy, tell your bf that you’ll do it if you get to choose the third. Just make sure your choice is hot for you and not your bf. If he’s the one feeling left out, he just might decide that paying attention to you is more important than experimenting.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Alpha Males: What's better than seeing a man at work?

Seeing a man get all squeaky clean, of course. Thought I'd share this photo with you today. Something about it just made me want to jump in the shower.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Eau de Vulva

The randy entrepreneurs at Vulva have created a substance they describe as not a perfume, but a "beguiling vaginal scent ... for your own personal pleasure." The site instructs men to rub it on the back of their hand to intensify their pleasure while whacking off. Probably not a good idea to put it on your favorite dollie or prosthetic pudendum, though, since the site cautions against getting the substance on any mucous membranes. Sorta makes you wonder what's in it.
Jezebel videotaped a hysterical smell test asking gay men to sniff Vulva and Britney Spears' new cologne and compare and contrast. From the look on the mens' faces, Vulva smells as skanky as the model on the Vulva website looks. I guess they asked gay men instead of straight ones for the comedic value, but I've got to wonder if straight men would have found the scent more alluring. I'm guessing they would have been just as grossed out, though. Even if the stuff really does smell like a woman, personal intimate scents, like certain kinds of pain, are appealing only in certain contexts. I do like the logo, though.

Dressed for Success

I was on vacation when the whole Southwest Airlines thing erupted, vaulting Kyla Ebbert/Setara Qassim to international celebrity, so forgive the tardy entry into this discussion. I'm curious to know how Wicked Women view these incidents of airline personnel suddenly policing the moral suitability of women's attire. Kyla is pictured here in the outfit that almost got her kicked off a flight (in case you were under a rock the week it happened and didn't see her flash her panties on the Today show). I wouldn't dress like that even if I were built like that because I want someone to work a little harder to see my underpants. But my advice to the purse-lipped flight attendant who raised the issue: Spend more time replacing all the inflight mags with the crossword puzzles already filled in and less time worrying about some girl showing off her attributes. Does she look cheap and cheesy? Hell, yeah. But until the Taliban wins an election here, we have a right to look as sleazy as we want to. That said, if Kyla were my daughter, I would explain to her that if she dresses like a cheap tart, some people will tend to treat her like a cheap tart, whether they have a right to or not. The problem is that so many young women think they have to look like this to be attractive and to get attention, and the media keep proving them right. Kyla got more attention for dressing like this than for anything else she's ever done in her life. Google her, and you'll see her name turn up more than a quarter-million times in less than a month. When is the last time a woman got this famous this fast for doing something that didn't involve serving up her breasts like a free buffet?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Sex News from the Sunshine State

Living in Florida is almost never boring, especially for a sex blogger. Where else can you pick up your morning paper and read about not one, not two, but three sex-related stories in the serious news section? That's right, these stories are not fluff pieces, but hard news about events that have been unfolding for weeks and that affect issues such as freedom of speech, civil rights, labor relations, and even religious tolerance.

1. First, is the issue of Master Dave, resident of a small Florida town of New Port Richey, and his 10-page slavery contract, which details safe words, termination of contract and what the slave may wear, do and say, as well as what the Master may do to the slave. The state has charged Master Drew, aka Andrew Michael Kobak (age 34), with 19 felony counts related to prostitution. Authorities said that the contract and activities it detailed were not illegal, but that other activities, i.e. selling the sexual services for money, were. News reports say the 19-year-old slave said she had been sexually abused at age 15 and wanted to stay in the bdsm world but that she had not expected to be pimped out when she signed the contract. My question is, who disciplines a wayward Master and what should his punishment be for violating the trust of his slave?

2. Largo City Council and mayor made a disgraceful decision, based on feeble excuses when they fired City Manager Steve Stanton, after he revealed his plans to become Susan Stanton. Now living as a woman and celebrating her 49th birthday today, she says she has lost virtually every relationship in her life and that those closest to her were the first to abandon her. She appears on Montel Williams today in a segment called "Trapped in the Wrong Body." Those who fired Stanton are intolerant and cowardly at best. But it's difficult to judge the abandonment of her friends and associates. By many accounts, Steve was not a very compassionate supervisor. And, though he's known about his gender preference since childhood, that didn't stop him from marrying and having a child as a man. His gender reassignment would have been something of a betrayal for them even if it weren't so public.
3. The Christian Right is holding a three-day summit in Brandon, Florida, beginning today to address bedrock issues. According to news reports, no politicians are expected to attend. Representatives say that's because they want to keep the event free of politics, and if you believe that, we've got a nice little parcel of swampland in the Sunshine State we'd like to sell you. GLBT-rights activists aren't buying it and plan to hold vigils in front of the church where the event is taking place. They will also host a workshop on Saturday centering on theologian Daniel Helminiak's book What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality. Predictably, organizers of the summit accuse the activists of being intolerant.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Why It Takes Women a Bit Longer

Could you just tweak that blue knob a bit, honey? No, not that blue knob, the other one ... Ahhhh, that's it... Now the yellow one... Oh! yeah, higher. Mmmmmm...

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Crowe or Diesel?

Just saw 3:10 to Yuma this weekend and damn near had my panties singed off by Russell Crowe. I thought maybe he could give Vin a run for his money in the hearts of you ladies. So what do you think? Russell or Vin?

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Rutgers University Research Professor and evolutionary anthropologist Helen Fisher theorizes that SSRI antidepressants may blunt the intensity of romance and other aspects of falling in love as well as ongoing feelings of attachment. Makes sense when you think about it. These medications inhibit obssessive thoughts and dampen sexual desire, both major hallmarks of that initial rush of falling in love. They also dampen the overall experience of feelings. Fisher states, "SSRIs also suppress sexual desire, sexual arousal and orgasm in as many as 73% of users. These sexual responses evolved to enhance courtship, mating and parenting. Orgasm produces a flood of oxytocin and vasopressin, chemicals associated with feelings of attachment and pairbonding behaviors." She worries that as these medications become more and more prevalent, they could actually alter courtship and parenting patterns in unpredictable and possibly disastrous ways.
Have you or anyone you know experienced anything like what Fisher described? What would you do if you had to choose between being depressed or being in love?

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Plastic Passion

Our techs got distracted this week as they continued to research all things quim. We stumbled into the world of pretend pussies and found ourselves fascinated.

Yes, guys, if you can't find the real thing, you can enjoy a substitute!! How about the "Fleshlight"? A handy tube - with discreet screw-off cap (!) which contains your choice of vaginal lips, mouth, anus or none-of-the-above. We assume the latter is just in case Airport Security takes a closer look at it. This one is more of a coin slot than a penis slot. They're all made of "silky flesh-like material", we're reassured, and come in your choice of colors and styles. A completely customizable pussy for less than sixty bucks. Quite a bargain.

If you want more "personality" in your plastic pussy, then go for the PornStar models. Of course, your room's gonna look like a gruesome scene from an episode of CSI, since these resemble severed body parts more than anything else. But some are equipped with not only vaginal and anal openings for your masturbatory pleasure, but also a dappling of pussy hair. All are supposedly modeled from living porn stars. We're not sure exactly how they do that, and none of us at the Quiminology labs even wanted to think about it. Oh, some of them vibrate, some are internally ribbed, others are dimpled with tight entry sections to enhance penetration pleasure. Aren't we all.

Of course, we women have our own selection of mock-penii for personal stimulation, so this isn't a gender bash. Equality rules, even in the world of self-satisfaction. But it struck us all as kinda weird, seeing bits of anatomically correct female bodies offered for sale. Female vibrators seem to focus on the technology of the female orgasm and how best to achieve it. These toys for men...well, not to put too fine a point on it, they appear to be lying around waiting to get fucked.

Is there a difference? Yeah. We think so. It's subtle, but it's there. What do you think?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Happily Ever After Quiz

Redbook has an interesting story called

Before you read the story, what do you think contributes on a daily basis to a happy partnership? No peeking!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Kiss and Tell

What's in a kiss? A study published in Evolutionary Psychology queried 1,041 college students about their kissing behaviors and attitudes and found some interesting differences between the sexes. They found that women were a lot less likely than men to have sex without kissing first. In fact, women wanted more kissing than men before, during and after sex.
Men were more likely to view kissing as a way to end an argument than women were, and they prefer wetter kisses with more tongue than women do. Men were more likely than women to expect kissing to lead to sex. More men than women would have sex with someone who was a bad kisser, though both sexes said they had lost interest in someone they had been attracted to after a bad first kiss.

Researchers drew the following conclusions based on their research: Women use kissing to assess the suitability of men as long-term mates, whereas men used kissing to get laid and to resolve conflict.
What do you think? Would you have sex with a man who was a bad kisser? What makes a good kiss? Tell us about your most memorable kiss.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Empress on the Mount

She Who Must Be Obeyed:
I don’t quite know how to write this but my husband chats with his penis. He even has a name for it, Master and Commander. They seem to have quite involved conversations and I’m starting to get worried. I know men like to think their penises are sentient beings with super-powers but surely there’s a limit? I tried to go along with it for a while but when I suggested perhaps that “Russell” was a bit less of a mouthful (literally) than “M&C,” my husband was not amused. Is this normal?
Eating Crowe

First of all, “normal” is not a word usually associated with the male of the species. And, to be fair, every bloke is different. Though one thing does hold true, regardless of race, religion, personality, network affiliates, hairiness and the ability to put the toilet seat down: A penis isn’t just a penis. It simply is. To ragingly misquote, “I penis, therefore I am.”
One thing that intrigues me, how does his penis answer your husband? I’m presuming you haven’t actually heard it speak, so is it more of a Vulcan mind-meld thing? And does your husband chat with it while you’re present? If it’s not interfering with your sex life and your husband doesn’t have gossip sessions with his dick when you’re in public, ignore it. Hell, have some fun and name your fa-fa.
Several possibilities come to mind: Eager Beaver (maybe a smidge vulgar and it might upset the ASPCA), Fluffy Garden (won’t work if you have a Brazilian) or perhaps, Dick Chomper, Schlong Shredder, Penis Pulverizer, Johnson Jackhammer and so on. I’m sure you get the idea. If you start yelling out “Oh please, dock your Master and Commander in Sally Sue’s Shangri-la of Pulsating Perfume,” at the pertinent moment, chances are your husband might at least drop the name.
Other than that, men are dicks. Literally.

Strike Three Against Womankind

Everyone seems to be talking about last night's MTV video awards. From Kid Rock & Tommy Lee brawling in the audience to Britney Spears forgetting her lyrics and choreography, MTV has received a hell of a lot of free publicity today in the media from idiotic stars. Now about Britney...

Yes, she's a trainwreck. Yes, she looked like a drugged up zombie last night. Yes, she needs some serious help ASAP. But calling her fat? WTF????

Somebody point out what's fat about her so we'll both know. In terms of her physical appearance, the girl-that-wants-to-be-a-woman looks damn good. She's lush, curvy and has a body average Jane would die for. Yet EVERY media outlet I've seen coverage of the MTV debacle on felt the need to chastise her for possessing an allegedly fat belly.

Strike up another one for misogyny.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

The last days of summer

Well, unless you live in Florida, and then you get a few more months of gorgeous guys at the beach. Still, when summer draws to an end, we sigh and think how much we're going to look forward to sights like this when beach season rolls around again.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

We crave sex daily and want to be wilder in bed...

At least according to a new article in Men's Health. In conjunction with Cosmopolitan Magazine, Men's Heath polled 6000 women and men for all tell all: what they like and don't like, what they've already tried and what they'd like to try.

As I started to dive into this article, I noticed a little drop-down menu that said "Browse Sex Articles", so I did. And selected "Women Decoded". Sounded interesting. Is there a way to actually decode us? Is it as complicated as the DaVinci cypher?

Well, actually there are a lot of articles for men, like how to "make her yours". This little ditty promises to help a man find out how "her" brain is wired so he can constantly be on her mind and be irresistable. It was written by a man. Yeah, sure, he's got the secret code to the female brain!

I decided to move on to such topics as Breaking Up, Dating and Marriage, Pick-Up tricks and a host of others and suddenly it hit me... why are there so many of these articles for me? I mean do men actually read them? And if they do, do they try these tricks and tips? And if they do, how successful are they?

Too many questions for this little brain. But what do you think? Are men really out there trying to decode us, figure out how to woo and win us or are these articles little more than filler?

Any thoughts?

Monday, September 3, 2007

The Vibrator in History

Okay, maybe that was a crude title, but it's basically what the world premiere of an independent film is all about.

Passion & Power: The Technology of Orgasm premiered at the Walter Reade Theater last month . An independently funded documentary, the film opens with a little history less on how the vibrator came to be.

Seems that as far back as Hippocrates, phyicians were diagnosing women with a condition they called hysteria. Now hysteria had a wide range of symptoms, ranging from anxiety and nervousness to feeling cranky and not being able to sleep. And it apparently brought about erotic fantasies and a feeling of heaviness in the pelvic region. Hmmm, sounds like a case of the hornies to me, but that's not part of this film, so back to the topic at hand,

Well, smart doctors that they were way back in the time of yor, they figured out a treatment, named vulval and clitoral massage to achieve what they labeled hysterical paroxysm - in other words, orgasm.

Okay, I can't resist -- what it boils down to is these gals were horny, they went to the doctor, got off and felt GOOD. Of course, they did have to have regular treatment. After all hysteria is not a laughing matter.

Now according to this film, by the end of the 19th century this was still a valid diagnosis and I guess women were still going to see their friendly doc for "treatment". But at the turn of the century vibrators were invented to "make the doc's job a bit easier". Man, those must have been some busy doctors. I wonder if they put in for disability or suffered carpal tunnel syndrome from all the "hysteria" treatments?

Now the film goes on to tell all about vibrators and their use and their place in our society, and it is a serious documentary. But I can't help getting a chuckle out of the fact that vibrators didn't come about to help women at all, but to make the doctors' job easier. Or that a gal who was horny was labeled as sufferin with hysteria.

How ironic that something intended to "ease the burden" of men turned out to be a gal's best friend. You just have to love irony, eh?

Sunday, September 2, 2007

What a day for a daydream...

And I don't know about you, but this picture inspires all sorts of imaginative daydreams for me.

Nothing like a holiday weekend to relax, chill by the pool and catch a few rays. And if it so happens that you catch a gorgeous hunk doing the same thing, well, might as well take advantage of the moment.