Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Most of our Quiminologists are groaning this morning after the annual lab Christmas party. There was plenty of food, the usual amount of beverages and even one lampshade-on-our-head dance! (Pictures have been deleted on pain of horrible torture!)
So solid research information is scarce but aspirins are as thick on our desks as snow. Overall, it was a great time. And at one point we gathered around the punch bowl to take the Christmas Quim oath.
Each and every quiminologist swears to give the gift of pleasure this year. There are a variety of techniques, but most involve sneaking one or two things off the Christmas tree. A little piece of tinsel garland, strategically placed after dark...well, that works quite nicely. So does a tiny piece of mistletoe (Kiss me under this, sweetheart?) Definitely a good Holiday Hint... Food was also discussed - that one perfect chocolate warming just above our quims - well, that's a tasty surprise too. However we present them, just offering our quims to our chosen lovers says so much more than "Season's Greetings" on a snow covered card.
The overall winner in our poll? One gorgeous sticky-backed gift bow attached just below the navel. What better surprise for a lover? It's sensual, inviting and is sure to bring a smile of pleasure to his face and a surge of heat to other places. You'll both be happy revelers on Christmas night!!! (Don't let him rip it off, though. A gentle peel probably works better. Save the screams for later.)
So whatever your choice of sensual pleasures this Holiday season, everyone at the Quiminology Lab would like to extend their warmest wishes to you all. May your hearts be filled with joy, your life be filled with laughter as bright as the lights on the biggest tree, and may your quims be filled with the lover of your choice.
Beats the heck out of sticking a gift card in a stocking, doesn't it?
Happy Holidays everyone,
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Still, some of his research is interesting, even if it's clearly in the service of creating his own products to sell. Another of his studies found that a floral and spice scent combo reduced men's perceptions of women's weight by 4 to 12 pounds! He's also created a substance you can sprinkle on your food before eating that helped test subject lose an average of 5.6 pounds per month.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
This weekend, the Quiminology labs are pretty quiet. Most of our tecchies are home unzipping their pants (after eating too much!!!) and those who ARE in the lab are wandering around looking for leftover turkey recipies. So our research has dwindled, but before we left for our holiday, we paused for a moment. It's the time of year to give thanks...what better to give thanks for than the most important body part we know? Thus it is our pleasure to present....
A Woman’s Ode to the Quim
I’m thankful for so much these days
My breasts, my hair, my bum -
Yet there’s a place I value more…
The place that makes me come.
Warm and dark and tucked away,
It rests between my thighs.
Waiting for my lover’s touch
To rouse it and bring sighs
Of pleasure to these lips of mine
(the ones beneath my nose)
The “other” lips are dewy moist
And blushing like a rose.
Yes, it’s my Quim I hold so dear,
My twat, my slit, my muff -
Whatever name we know it by
It’s never quite enough
To tell of shivers, thrills and pleasure
Incited by a kiss.
That single thought brings heated tears
And moments of sheer bliss.
O Quim, O Quim, I honor you
My private woman’s treasure.
You hold my secrets, hide my dreams,
Your worth I cannot measure.
So giving thanks to Mother Nature
Is something I must do.
O Quim, you magic place of mine,
Mother Nature gave me - YOU.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Being a small but perfectly formed b-cup myself, I figured out pretty quickly that we're nowhere near April right now. That's when I saw the other headline: "Dr. Luria can help you celebrate anytime." The flyer goes on to explain the importance of cleavage and how much more comfortable breast augmentation and breast-lift surgery are than push-up bras and bustiers.
On the reverse side, Dr. Luria also suggests "other uplifting surgical experiences," including a browlift, facelift, armlift, thighlift, necklift and tummy tuck. His photo reveals the good doctor to be not much of a looker himself, a bit saggy about the jowls and neck, and looong of forehead, if you catch my drift. I wonder if there's a National Hairline Day anywhere? If so, I do hope Dr. Luria will be going in for that 18-hour hair plug surgery he so badly needs. I'm sure it's way more comfortable than wearing hats or hairpieces.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Being women, we have a tendency to want to improve on nature. We paint our lips, color our eyes, lengthen our lashes and paint our nails. Is the quim exempt from this decorative obsession? Nope.
Of course the quim has been painted - reproduced on canvas in oils, in photos, digital art and just about every media you can imagine up to and including chocolate. There are probably some cave drawings featuring early quims. However, these days, we're very inventive when it comes to adorning our quims. From the whimsical - as in this little stick fellow with the lawnmower...
to the extremely elegant and creative (our Quiminologists believe the face and the birds are body paint rather than tattoos but adore them anyway).
Then there's the category that falls into "Ummm...", as in the rather startling devilish tattoo, which would, we imagine, be a pretty big surprise to an unprepared lover when revealed at an intimate moment. We conclude that a healthy "EEEEEK" would not be inappropriate.
No matter what the style,
there's always someone out there anxious to take what nature gave us and improve on it. Whether with tattoos, paint or even the occasional piercing, it's one of those things that's just asking for some art. Is it unique? Yes. Is it our cup of tea? Well, not really. But then again we're wimps when it comes to pain.
Of course, there are those who take their passion for the Quim to new heights. We have to wonder about that - see the gentleman who has expressed his adoration in body art. Our only question - has he realized he'll be living with this for the rest of his life?
Friday, November 9, 2007
Twat is in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Okay, so that's a horrible twisting of poor Juliet's words as she bemoaned the last name of her beloved Romeo. Though Shakespeare never used the word "twat," it does appear that word for ladies' lower petals may have its origins in poetry. Some scholars say poet Robert Browning used it erroneously in an 1841 poem thinking the word referred to a nun’s headgear. They traced his misconception to a 17th century satirical poem that referred to "a cardinal’s hat and an old nun’s twat," but others say they have been unable to locate that poem. Whatever the true origin of this unlovely term for our sexual equipment, it seems obvious neither poet meant it as an affectionate reference. So here’s our sentence, written in unwieldy archaic poetic meter with a toast to bygone vaginophobic poets: “If you would plot to make me hot and lay me down upon a cot, don’t call my honey pot a twat—or ride me to ecstasy you will not.”
For more details on the origins of this word, check out this month's Twatchamacallit column in Lady Jaided magazine.
Monday, November 5, 2007
I keep reading that sex keeps you young and that some women in their 70s are still doing the nasty several times a week. I'm 69 and after a night of hearing my dh cough, snore and fart in his sleep, the last thing I want to do is touch him--even if he could get it up. Don't get me wrong. I still love the old bastard and he loves me. We do things like working in the garden and reading to each other. He says he's willing to try Viagra if I really want him to, but the truth is, I'm content just to hang out with him and enjoy his company in other ways. Is there something wrong with us?
Wrong with you? Hardly. It sounds like you and your husband are happy the way you are. So don’t let a multibillion dollar pharmaceutical company tell you differently. If you get a sudden urge to wade through the coughs and farts and bonk like bunnies, then go for it. Otherwise, spend your money on plants, not pills.
For more pearls of wisdom from Her Highness, check out her column in Lady Jaided emagazine.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
By Erin Aislinn
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
No, he wouldn't fit into my Halloween candy bag, but I'm pretty sure most of us could find somewhere he'd fit. Happy Halloween. May you collect many treats:)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Uh, well, it seems increasingly apparent that's not such a good idea either. Monsignor Tommaso Stenico, a Vatican official and a psychoanalyst, was recently caught by a hidden camera making advances to a young man and telling him that gay sex was not sinful. Stenico said he is not gay, though he admitted to frequenting online gay chat rooms and pretending to be gay. His reason? He was actually researching homosexual activity that damages the image of the Church. He did not explain why he needed to lie for his research instead of simply observing and asking questions.
Okay, so let us get this straight. A priest, whose church says homosexuality is wrong tells a young man that it is not wrong, though he tells the rest of us that he thinks it is wrong. Last time I looked, lying was also considered a sin. Stenico has admitted lying to someone. We just aren't entirely sure who he's lying to. It's sort of like the old conundrum where the guys says, "Everything I say is a lie." If that's true, then everything he says is true. But it can't be true because if it is true, then it's also a lie. Or something like that.
I don't care if Stenico is gay or not. That's his business. However, he has betrayed a very deep trust in his roles as a priest and a psychoanalyst. If you can't look to your priest for moral leadership or your shrink for the truth, who is left?
Monday, October 29, 2007
When it comes to thongs, our Quiminologists are divided. Rather like the asses of those who like wearing ‘em. (The phrase “cheese slicer” always comes to mind.) But recent research turned up some interesting developments in the world of thongs - those delightful undergarments with which we ladies cover our quims.
Thongs were, of course, designed by a bunch of drunken engineers with serious passive-aggressive issues against women. We gals would certainly choose to spend endless hours fishing bits of lace out of our butt cracks, right? There are no visible panty lines, granted, but on the whole it’s easier to leave off the panties entirely than deal with the mechanics of a thong. Especially if you’re blessed with an abundant derriere, like so many of our Quiminology staffers. (Computer Butt Syndrome.)
However, when we ran across this C-thong device (see photos below), we were all glued to our monitors. Once again, those drunken engineers have come up with an idea guaranteed to drive women to drink alongside them.
This delightful…er…thong thing is crafted with some kind of wiring, making it flexible and keeping it (allegedly) in place. Our take on this? Well, if you’re short a boomerang at any time, this would work and could possibly double as a hair band in a pinch.(No pun intended.) If you’re seriously into discomfort, this would also fit the bill. It doesn’t look like it would fit any of us. When someone suggested we get one and do more research, our staffers suddenly remembered meetings elsewhere and the room emptied in zero point two microseconds.
So overall, the vote on this little quim-protector is an emphatic NO. If anyone out there has one, do let us know if it works? Feel free to send photos and your address. We’ll send ointment for the chafed spots and a pair of soft cotton knickers.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
There is some disagreement among musicians and the general public as to weather “jelly roll” refers to the male or the female sexual apparatus. However, any quim expert—or quiminologist, as we like to be called—worth her salt will tell you that jelly roll as a term for women’s genitals goes back more than a century.
“Jelly” has been used to refer to semen for even longer—at least back to the early 1600s—and if you’ve never heard a guy talking about jerking his jelly before, I’ll bet you can figure out what it means right quick.
The likewise aptly descriptive “jelly bag” refers to the scrotum. Jelly roll came to have a broader and more confusing meaning in the late 1800s and early 1900s, when blues singers and others used it to mean just about anything related to sex and the southerly anatomy of either sex. More recent lyricists seem to think of it more as a penis than a vulva.
The look of the actual object may be at least partially responsible for the confusion. A jelly roll is a log-shaped confection made of a thin sponge cake smeared with jelly and sometimes cream, then rolled into a very male-looking cylinder and finally sliced into a very female-looking circle with a creamy, jelly-filled center. Either way, it’s a yummy image, and we don’t have to think up our own sentences for examples. Popular music is filled with them: “Come over here, baby and put the jelly in my jelly roll.”
If you can get past the initial image of Winnie the Pooh sticking his finger in a clay jar, the idea of your foo-foo as a honey pot is actually quite lovely. The term in this capacity was obviously coined by someone with a huge affection for women and their vaginal secretions. Honey is thick and sweet and golden—even precious in some times and places. It’s an appetizing term and still earthy enough to avoid the air of some goody-two-shoes euphemism. Let’s try it in a sentence: "If you give me a bite of your cannoli, I’ll let you taste my honey pot." That should do the trick. What healthy heterosexual man would turn down an offer like that?
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Fortunately, some rights groups are working to change the custom and enforce existing laws, including Medica Mondiale and Women for Afghan Women, both of whom could use our help.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Jordan Gann was caught this week in Tampa, Florida, after years of scamming women in several states out of thousands of dollars. His twin bro, Simon, whom police suspect of making money the same way, is still at large. His latest victim met him in Orlando and took him home with her to Tampa, where she and her friend bought him $1,000 worth of CDs, clothes, meals and even a cell phone after he told them he had forgotten his credit cards. He had told them he was a doctor who had become rich selling his cancer research to a drug company.
Yeah, this guy's a jerk, and I hope he has to pay full restitution to his victims. I also hope his victims wise up after this. If a guy bums money from you as soon as you meet him, run the other way--no matter how cute he is or how good his reason seems to be.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Darrell King c/o Ellora's Cave
1056 Home Ave.
Akron, OH 44310
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
(Our Quiminologists get double points for using no less than two movie titles in one line!) Yes, ladies, we smell. No matter how much we bathe, powder, spritz and spray, we still possess a unique fragrance all our own. Our personal Eau de Quim. Is it pheromones? Possibly. Our scientists didn’t go that far into the research, but what they did uncover is fascinating.
Studies in mice have shown a “vomeronasal organ” which results in a mouse going nutso when he finds his mate. And it’s all based on smell (and explains why there are so many damn mice around). Whether humans can react as strongly to the “right” scent is still up for debate, but we uncovered one interesting piece of data from the journal “Ethology”. (Yes, we looked it up. It means “a branch of knowledge dealing with human character and with its formation and evolution”. Make a note. There’ll be a quiz later).
During a woman’s most fertile days, her personal odor is judged to be “pleasant” to a male. The same woman, when not fertile, was judged “not pleasant”. We assume those conducting this study were too polite to use the word “Bleeecchhhh”. And guys, you’re not off the hook here. The same study showed that fertile women found the aroma of a dominant man’s armpits very sexually appealing during ovulation. Now, since the men were asked to assess themselves in terms of how dominant they felt, our Quiminologists tend to view these results with a little skepticism. After all, we can’t imagine too many men saying “Actually, I feel like a wuss, today. Leave me out.”
So next time you reach for those fragrance products, ask yourself if you really want to hide your unique signature aroma. Does your partner deserve a nasal-stinging whiff of exotic flowers from a tropical garden, or would he prefer the warm sexy scent of his woman’s quim? We’ll leave it to you to decide…
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I met a man on the internet and we have fallen in love. Now he wants to meet and I’m in a panic. I sent him a 15-year-old picture of myself, from when I was much slimmer and better looking. I’ve told him my real age but the years have not been kind to me and I look almost nothing like that picture. I don’t want to lose this man but I’m afraid if he sees the way I look now, he won’t want anything to do with me. I would just stall him until I could get liposuction and a facelift but it turns out that costs a lot of money. My question is this: Could you loan me $79,000?
—Your Devoted Fan
For more pearls of wisdom from Her High Unholiness, visit her column in Lady Jaided emagazine.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Jamo is a IFBB Pro Bodybuilder. Orignally from Algeria, Jamo has circled the globe and now lives in LA.
Much more that merely glorious muscle (and he has that in spades), Jamo speaks French, English and Arabic and holds a degree in science and biology. He holds to what he calls a simple philisophy - namely "What you see is what you get".
Woo hoooo! Can I get that to go?
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Friday, October 5, 2007
Those prudish folks at Southwest Airlines have struck again. This time they made Joe Winiecki turn his t-shirt (pictured above) inside out. This is the same airline that apologized recently for giving Hooters waitress Kayla Ebbers a hard time for wearing an outfit that left very little of her anatomy to the imagination. Is it offensive? Maybe to some people. Frankly, I wouldn't be thrilled to see him galumping toward the seat next to me in a shirt like that. But I'm not thrilled to sit next to a lot of people in airplanes, including poorly behaved children and their parents, guys who hog the arm rest, and especially people who emit various odors from their bodies or the food they bring onboard.
Flying is a often a crowded, unpleasant and tiresome business. If you're gonna fly, you just have to suck it up and accept the fact that not everyone shares your tender sensibilities. It's the price of being in the public realm. Airlines need to concern themselves with making flights as safe and comfortable as possible and not worry about how people are dressed.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Why are bad boys such a turn-on? I’ve been dating a perfectly nice man with a good job and decent social and sexual skills. I’m bored senseless with him. He has an artist friend who’s moody, drinks to excess and constantly mooches cigarettes, money and meals. When he turns his stormy eyes on me, I want to jump his bones. Why can’t I get the same spark from the good guy? And don’t just tell me I’m a dumb bitch. A lot of my female friends feel the same way.
—Glutton for Punishment
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
By Sarah Skilton
Animal magnetism. Love at first sight. The spark. (Sing it with me: “Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger, you may see a stranger across a crowded room…”) You know it when you feel it: chemistry, that elusive quality that makes you “click” with a man.
Why do some men bring it out in us, and others don’t? Is chemistry based purely on physical attraction, or is it something deeper and more elemental? Most importantly, is it accurate?
Several theories claim to explain the phenomena comprising instant attraction, including pheromones, body symmetry, and “love maps”: subconscious lists developed from birth, stored in our brains to paint a mental picture of our perfect mate.
In the right combination, any of the above can form a potent cocktail of attraction. The first, and most obvious, sign of attraction is triggered by sight. Gary Stollman, Ph.D., a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, believes our attraction for particular physical traits in the opposite sex is a hardwired survival mechanism that goes back thousands of years.
“Women see men as potential suitors, protectors and providers; the reason many women are attracted to tall men, for example, is that they appear to be stronger, like they can protect you or provide you with healthy, tall children. This all occurs at the unconscious level.”
Our preferences are also influenced by the society in which we live. In modern-day America, men seek women with curves and a slim waist, whereas in earlier time periods, particularly in Europe, plump or robust attributes carried more weight — excuse the pun.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
First observed in 1982, Banned Books Week reminds Americans not to take this essential democratic freedom for granted. The event is sponsored by the American Booksellers Association, the American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression, the American Library Association (ALA), the Association of American Publishers, the American Society of Journalists and Authors and the National Association of College Stores. It is endorsed by the Library of Congress Center for the Book.
Half of the challenges were based on sexual explicitness or the use of “offensive language.” According to the ALA’s Office for Intellectual Freedom, of the 6,364 challenges to books in the decade from 1990-2000, 1,607 were based on “sexually explicit” material, 1,427 were because of the use of “offensive language,” 842 were because of the inclusion of “Occult theme…or Satanism,” and 515 were challenged due to homosexual themes. A challenge is an attempt to remove materials from libraries or bookstores or otherwise restrict access to them, based upon the objections of a person or group. A banning is the actual removal of those materials. Among the top ten most challenged author between 1990 and 2004 are Steven King, J.K. Rowling, Maya Angelou, R.L. Stine, Judy Blume and John Steinbeck.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Not the ones beneath your nose, girlfriends, the ones between your legs! Our quiminologists have been exploring labia recently, armed with mirrors, calipers and - of course - the internet for reference. You’ve all done it, contorted yourself into a mock-yoga position and checked out those fleshy folds which hide and protect your secrets. If you haven’t…well, grab yourself a mirror and a quiet spot. It’s a fascinating topic.
We all have two sets of lips, or labia as the medical folk like to call ‘em. The labia majora are the outside ones, containing hair follicles and oil secreting glands. The inner ones, the labia minora, also contain oil glands but aren’t usually very hairy. Those are the common factors. The amazing thing? Just about every woman has their own personal variety of labial configuration! They really are as diverse as the population! From ruffles and flourishes to smooth and reclusive, a woman’s labia can range from small to enormous - and they’re all GOOD. No matter what you’ve heard, large inner labia that protrude are quite normal. So are labia that are different colors. (Okay, if you’ve got sparkly blue ones, you might want to get a second opinion.)
The three most common are “corrugated”, ”double loop” and “triple loop”. This refers to the folds of the inner labia as they peek shyly from the pussy. We’ve got stats, sizes, percentages and so on to demonstrate all this, but frankly that’s boring. What matters is that we love what we have.
So biking may result in a pinch or two, so what? Give up on the Tour de France. Bending over in a short skirt and a thong may flash something more than our butt cheeks. Who cares? It’s a definite turn-on for the guy behind us. So there’s a bulge in our bathing suits! We’re women. We can flaunt it! As long as we avoid the painful “Camel Toe” syndrome (where your pants are so tight they’re biting up between your labia, resembling a camel’s toe from a viewer’s frame of reference. Ouch!) then let those lips loose, ladies. Loose lips, in this case, don’t sink ships, they raise the masts!! (Pardon the nautical pun.)
Men, overall, aren’t recorded as having much of an opinion on labia. As long as they’re there and doing what they’re supposed to be doing, it’s all good to them. We’re the ones who obsess (don’t we always?) and even rush to cosmetic surgeons to have them “redesigned” to fit whatever we think is “perfect”. Well, here’s the scoop. There ISN’T a perfect labial shape. What you ARE right now, is perfect. Long, short, pink, brown, frilled, ruffled, smooth or fleshy - that’s perfection, baby. Love thy labia! It’s your special signature body part. Like you, it’s unique!
From your Quiminology Dept.
Friday, September 28, 2007
My bf told me he wants to experiment with a menage a trois. I don’t have any moral objections but I’ve always felt that anything that involves three people is bad because someone ends up feeling left out.
How can I make sure that someone isn’t me?
Easy, tell your bf that you’ll do it if you get to choose the third. Just make sure your choice is hot for you and not your bf. If he’s the one feeling left out, he just might decide that paying attention to you is more important than experimenting.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Jezebel videotaped a hysterical smell test asking gay men to sniff Vulva and Britney Spears' new cologne and compare and contrast. From the look on the mens' faces, Vulva smells as skanky as the model on the Vulva website looks. I guess they asked gay men instead of straight ones for the comedic value, but I've got to wonder if straight men would have found the scent more alluring. I'm guessing they would have been just as grossed out, though. Even if the stuff really does smell like a woman, personal intimate scents, like certain kinds of pain, are appealing only in certain contexts. I do like the logo, though.