Monday, December 31, 2007

Abandon Yourself to the New Year!

I've been pretty spotty through the holidays about keeping the Wicked Women banner aloft. With all the starchy food and wholesome music, Christmahannukwaanzakah is not the sexiest of holidays to me, though the Winter Solstice has its wild, firelit pagan passion.

I was pondering the appropriate end-of-the-year and beginning-of-the-year Wicked Women post when I came upon the photo opp captured above.

The end of the year is easy. We started with a bang in June with the idea of examining sexuality from a feminine perspective. Since then we've published 135 posts on everything from Truck Nutz to Sex Addiction and fabulous John Lustig cartoons. We don't tout our sponsors much, but at the end of the year, it's appropriate to acknowledge and thank them. Sex Talk for Wicked Women is a publication of Jasmine-Jade Enterprises, Ellora's Cave Publishing, Lady Jaided magazine, and most especially Jaid Black, a.k.a. Queen of Steam, author of dozens of books, founding mother of JJ and EC and creator of Romantica erotic romance. Through her work, Jaid has entertained and liberated thousands, and brought together an amazing assortment of lusty, passionate, funloving, talented, hardworking people--both male and female.

More end of the year special thanks to the core Wicked Women: Jaid Black, Syneca Featherstone, Sahara Kelly, and Marshmallow.

I'd love to hear more of what you think about women's sexual issues and news. Feel free to email me at with any news, questions or ideas you have. I'll give you credit and link to the url of your chosing if I use what you send me. Or you can contribute anonymously.

Have you read this far trying to figure out why I put a picture of my cat Moxie on this post? It has to do with my beginning of the year message. I was trying to think of something inspirational to write about women's sexuality, since that is the focus of this blog. I walked out the back door to water the plants and ruminate on it, and there was Moxie, sprawled out, airing and sunning her pudendum without a trace of self-consciousness. (She was actually looking straight at the camera until the second I snapped the picture, of course.)

I thought the sensual abandon of her pose was a good visual metaphor for what we will dedicate ourselves to in the coming year: An uncensored, unselfconscious, sybaritic celebration of the delights and mysteries of sex and love!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

...And to all a Good Night...

Most of our Quiminologists are groaning this morning after the annual lab Christmas party. There was plenty of food, the usual amount of beverages and even one lampshade-on-our-head dance! (Pictures have been deleted on pain of horrible torture!)

So solid research information is scarce but aspirins are as thick on our desks as snow. Overall, it was a great time. And at one point we gathered around the punch bowl to take the Christmas Quim oath.

Each and every quiminologist swears to give the gift of pleasure this year. There are a variety of techniques, but most involve sneaking one or two things off the Christmas tree. A little piece of tinsel garland, strategically placed after dark...well, that works quite nicely. So does a tiny piece of mistletoe (Kiss me under this, sweetheart?) Definitely a good Holiday Hint... Food was also discussed - that one perfect chocolate warming just above our quims - well, that's a tasty surprise too. However we present them, just offering our quims to our chosen lovers says so much more than "Season's Greetings" on a snow covered card.

The overall winner in our poll? One gorgeous sticky-backed gift bow attached just below the navel. What better surprise for a lover? It's sensual, inviting and is sure to bring a smile of pleasure to his face and a surge of heat to other places. You'll both be happy revelers on Christmas night!!! (Don't let him rip it off, though. A gentle peel probably works better. Save the screams for later.)

So whatever your choice of sensual pleasures this Holiday season, everyone at the Quiminology Lab would like to extend their warmest wishes to you all. May your hearts be filled with joy, your life be filled with laughter as bright as the lights on the biggest tree, and may your quims be filled with the lover of your choice.

Beats the heck out of sticking a gift card in a stocking, doesn't it?

Happy Holidays everyone,
The Quiminologists

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Rape Victim Pardoned

The Lede has a really good column and fascinating discussion of the recent pardon of "the Girl from Qatif." If you haven't been following the story, the 19-year-old woman broke Saudi law by being alone in a car with a man to whom she was not related. Seven men took it upon themselves to punish her, abducting and repeatedly gang-raping her and the man she was with. According to the New York Times, the rapists "received sentences ranging from 10 months to five years in prison, and 80 to 1,000 lashes." The woman and the man were sentenced to 90 lashes for their original transgression.

When the woman appealed her sentence, the court increased her punishment to 200 lashes and six months in jail and suspended her lawyer's license. After resounding international disapproval, Saudi's King Abdullah pardoned the woman and the man, saying, not that the sentence was wrong, but that the rape was punishment enough for the transgression.
The high profile of this case has focused international attention and opened long-overdue dialog in Middle Eastern countries about the deplorable state of women's rights in Saudi Arabia and some other Muslim theocracies. Though the Girl from Qatif was not sentenced because she was raped, rape victims have been punished severely in the recent past after making allegations. This website has an analysis of rape laws in Pakistan that call for punishing a woman if she can not produce four reliable witnesses to testify that she was in fact raped and not engaging in consensual sex.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Ignorance Losing Ground

An interesting update to last week's post about the rise in teen birth rates after years of federal government funding of abstinence-only sex education: More and more states are refusing federal money that can be used only to teach abstinence. (Fourteen at last count.) MSNBC reported that 82 percent of adults surveyed were in favor of comprehensive sex ed that includes abstinence, birth control and disease prevention instruction. If we can't count on our federal government to fund sex education responsibly, maybe the states are at least starting to revolt.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Geek Love

Why is this man smiling? Maybe he's playing with the new vMac. According to an hysterical post on BBSpot, the new vMac comes equipped with iHole technology for geeks who want a deeper, sexual relationship with their computers. For the gals, there's dMac, which has iPole, and soon we'll have biMac, with both iPole and iHole peripherals. Finally, a pay-off for workaholics.
Thanks to alert reader (and Ellora's Cave author) Ashlyn Chase for sending us this little tidbit.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Citrus of Youth

Remember Dr. Alan Hirsch, the researcher who said scent combos such as lavender with pumpkin pie and doughnuts with licorice increase male libido (which is great if you want to attract Homer Simpson)? Turns out he also discovered the scent of grapefruit makes men judge women's age as six years younger than they would without the smell. Or so dozens of newspapers and websites reported. Later, some caveats popped up. Apparently, it was a complex combination of scents, which surprise! is available in a spray called Timeless View available only on the good doctor's website. I dunno if they just don't bother to check before posting such info or if he has changed his website, but nowhere on Hirsch's Science of Smell website is any info on the grapefruit study or Timeless View. There is, however, a disclaimer that says none of the products associated with his research are associated with the Smell and Taste Research Foundation.
Still, some of his research is interesting, even if it's clearly in the service of creating his own products to sell. Another of his studies found that a floral and spice scent combo reduced men's perceptions of women's weight by 4 to 12 pounds! He's also created a substance you can sprinkle on your food before eating that helped test subject lose an average of 5.6 pounds per month.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The gift that keeps on giving

Since we've reached THAT time of year again, our Quiminologists have found their attention drifting a little to various subjects like decorating their tree and what to wear to the Quim Lab Christmas party.
However...during the course of the difficult search for the perfect gift, our scientists stumbled across some interesting ideas which certainly beat slippers, hands down.
We all know that a gift of delightfully tasty goodies is always gratefully received. about letting Santa hide your quim beneath something edible? How would your lover feel about devouring that on Christmas morning?
There are the well-known thongs made of tiny candies. These came with matching bras. They were quite pretty and looked like a bikini at first glance. Probably also a bit lumpy to lie on and maybe get stuck between his teeth. They do, however, also come in a style for gentlemen. Which would be handy if you're both feeling a bit peckish....
If you're not ready to ORDER something sensual like this, then why not MAKE one yourself? Are you a crafter? Can you knit or crochet? Yes, believe it or not the internet offers several patterns for knitted/crocheted edible thongs. Just trot down to your local candy store and grab a couple of pounds of licorice laces (the red looks HOT against your silky skin) then knit away, girls.
And of course there's the good old fallback - the chocolate thong. We note that the ones we found weren't ALL chocolate - you don't have to slather your butt with whipped cream as well - most featured a chocolate medallion positioned to melt right over where a tongue would do the most good!!! Mmmmm.
So for the ultimate holiday gift this year, why not give him a candy-covered quim to play with? (Er, that would be yours, of course.) Get his mouth where you want it, give him dessert - yep, smiles all around the mistletoe and holly. Now...where did I put my crochet hook?
Happy Holidays to all from Sahara and the Quiminology Lab techs!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Man Candy

Who doesn't love a man in a cowboy hat and jeans, especially one who's built like Brian Schell. He rescued a shipmate while serving in the Navy and now oversees inmate care for a prison system. Sort of makes you want to break the law. See more of Brian here and more of Ellora's Cave's 2007 calendar boys here.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Ignorance-Only Sex Ed Pays Off

Associated Press reports that teen birth rates in the United States are up for the first time in 15 years and that births to unwed mothers reached an all-time high in 2006. Looks like abstinence-only sex education is doing its job: keeping kids so ignorant they don't know how to avoid pregnancy or so ashamed of their sexuality they don't admit it far enough in time to take precautions. The Guttmacher Institute has some interesting statistics on teen sexuality, including these: From 1995-2002, the number of teens receiving information about contraception declined while the number receiving abstinence-only education increased. Of the 750,000 teen pregnancies per year, 82% were unintended and more than one-fourth end in abortion. Teen pregnancy rates declined steadily 1999-2002. Despite this decline, the US still has one of the highest pregnancy rates among developed countries, almost twice as high as England, Wales, and Canada, and EIGHT TIMES AS HIGH as the Netherlands and Japan.
There's nothing wrong with teaching abstinence. It teaches girls (and even boys) that they don't have to have sex just because someone is pressuring them to do it. It's good to delay sex until they are mature enough to make informed decisions. But regardless of what you tell them, lots of kids are going to have sex, and they need to know how to protect themselves from the consequences.
In an interesting corollary, a recent study debunked the theory that teen sex contributes to delinquency. The new study found that the contrary was true. Teens who engaged in consensual exual behavior with each other were actually less likely to engage in delinquent behavior.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

I was struggling through a long-term relationship with a man when I came upon The Story of O. The infamous book both thrilled and terrified me. Suddenly, a secret door opened up and I glimpsed a realm where all my deepest darkest most forbidden desires could all come true. And yet for years after that I stood poised on the threshold, hesitating to take that first step to make my fantasies flesh. My “normal” relationship with my boyfriend was frustrating but safe, like Newton’s law of gravity. I was afraid of falling and losing myself in the seductive black-leather universe glinting with metal shackles like stars burning at the very heart of my sexuality. I had heard of too many extreme and distasteful things that went on there, and this made me worry my submissive nature was like a cancer I had to fight so it wouldn’t spread out of control and prevent me from living a normal healthy life. I didn’t realize how wrong I was until I met the right man who took me by the hand and finally led me into the intensely exciting world of BDSM.

Read the full story in the December issue of Lady Jaided magazine

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Ode to the Quim

This weekend, the Quiminology labs are pretty quiet. Most of our tecchies are home unzipping their pants (after eating too much!!!) and those who ARE in the lab are wandering around looking for leftover turkey recipies. So our research has dwindled, but before we left for our holiday, we paused for a moment. It's the time of year to give thanks...what better to give thanks for than the most important body part we know? Thus it is our pleasure to present....

A Woman’s Ode to the Quim

I’m thankful for so much these days
My breasts, my hair, my bum -
Yet there’s a place I value more…
The place that makes me come.

Warm and dark and tucked away,
It rests between my thighs.
Waiting for my lover’s touch
To rouse it and bring sighs
Of pleasure to these lips of mine
(the ones beneath my nose)
The “other” lips are dewy moist
And blushing like a rose.

Yes, it’s my Quim I hold so dear,
My twat, my slit, my muff -
Whatever name we know it by
It’s never quite enough
To tell of shivers, thrills and pleasure
Incited by a kiss.
That single thought brings heated tears
And moments of sheer bliss.

O Quim, O Quim, I honor you
My private woman’s treasure.
You hold my secrets, hide my dreams,
Your worth I cannot measure.
So giving thanks to Mother Nature
Is something I must do.
O Quim, you magic place of mine,
Mother Nature gave me - YOU.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Booty on the Brain

Why don't we ever hear about studies comparing men's physical measurements to their intellectual ones? Or even for that matter old saws about the relationship of, say dick size to intelligence, like the old inverse relationship of breast size to brain power? That was supposed to be a bone thrown to small-chested women. Now, here's one for those with plenty of junk in the trunk--but only if their waist is small. The latest actual scientific study in this realm posits that the smaller the waist relative to the butt, the smarter the woman--and her children!

Now the Chicago Tribune is exhorting us to measure both and divide waist by hip size to find out how dumb we are. The smaller the number, the smarter we are supposedly. As if we aren't already comparing ourselves to impossible standards, they tell us that Jennifer Lopez (26-inch waist and 39-inch hips) is a .67.

Oh goody, another way to prove we don't measure up.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

All You Need Is Oxytocin

Oxytocin, a hormone used to induce labor, is also the ultimate love drug. It is released during sexual arousal, orgasms and birth, and produces feelings of love and attachment. Just the sight of a baby releases the substance in adults and fosters acceptance and bonding. Maybe we should replace bullets with oxytocin darts in war zones and see if peace comes raining down.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Risky Business

If you and your honey go for organics over pharmaceuticals when it comes to erectile enhancement, beware. Turns out a lot of that "all natural" stuff contains the very same active ingredients as prescription drugs like Viagra, Cialis or Levitra--sometimes in considerably higher doses. If dh is on nitrates for heart disease or high blood pressure, one of those supposedly herbal staff stiffeners could give him a heart attack or stroke.
St. Petersburg Times said sales of such woody-enhancers totalled almost $400-million last year. Associated Press reported that even some men in their 30s have been admitted to emergency rooms with severe headaches or blurry vision after taking the supplements. The spread of this story has plenty of earmarks of a pharmaceutical company campaign to discredit rivals and present prescription drugs as a safer alternative. Maybe they are, though I wouldn't give a nickel for a stamp of approval from the limp-dicked FDA, which has allowed plenty of dangerous substances into the marketplace. If the ingredients in the "organic" alternative match those in prescription drugs, then both are dangerous.
With all the toys and tantric sex manuals out there today, a stiff dick is not utterly essential to a good sex life. In fact, a squishy just might force couples to get a little bit more imaginative and experimental. Would that be such a bad thing?

Monday, November 12, 2007

Tits Up!

I got a flyer in my mailbox this week bearing a lovely decolletage under a headline saying "The first Friday in April is National Cleavage Day." In veeeeery tiny gray print buried under the breasts was this: "(in Britain and South Africa)" At first I thought it said April first, which made perfect sense to me. What better day to celebrate cleavage than April Fool's Day? After all, how many perfectly smart men are turned to blubbering idiots by the sight of a woman's cleavage? How many perfect smart women are deemed dummies when they show said cleavage? Remember the old blokes' tale that a woman's IQ is inversely proportional to her cup size?

Being a small but perfectly formed b-cup myself, I figured out pretty quickly that we're nowhere near April right now. That's when I saw the other headline: "Dr. Luria can help you celebrate anytime." The flyer goes on to explain the importance of cleavage and how much more comfortable breast augmentation and breast-lift surgery are than push-up bras and bustiers.

On the reverse side, Dr. Luria also suggests "other uplifting surgical experiences," including a browlift, facelift, armlift, thighlift, necklift and tummy tuck. His photo reveals the good doctor to be not much of a looker himself, a bit saggy about the jowls and neck, and looong of forehead, if you catch my drift. I wonder if there's a National Hairline Day anywhere? If so, I do hope Dr. Luria will be going in for that 18-hour hair plug surgery he so badly needs. I'm sure it's way more comfortable than wearing hats or hairpieces.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Art and the Quim

Being women, we have a tendency to want to improve on nature. We paint our lips, color our eyes, lengthen our lashes and paint our nails. Is the quim exempt from this decorative obsession? Nope.

Of course the quim has been painted - reproduced on canvas in oils, in photos, digital art and just about every media you can imagine up to and including chocolate. There are probably some cave drawings featuring early quims. However, these days, we're very inventive when it comes to adorning our quims. From the whimsical - as in this little stick fellow with the lawnmower...

to the extremely elegant and creative (our Quiminologists believe the face and the birds are body paint rather than tattoos but adore them anyway).

Then there's the category that falls into "Ummm...", as in the rather startling devilish tattoo, which would, we imagine, be a pretty big surprise to an unprepared lover when revealed at an intimate moment. We conclude that a healthy "EEEEEK" would not be inappropriate.

No matter what the style,
there's always someone out there anxious to take what nature gave us and improve on it. Whether with tattoos, paint or even the occasional piercing, it's one of those things that's just asking for some art. Is it unique? Yes. Is it our cup of tea? Well, not really. But then again we're wimps when it comes to pain.

Of course, there are those who take their passion for the Quim to new heights. We have to wonder about that - see the gentleman who has expressed his adoration in body art. Our only question - has he realized he'll be living with this for the rest of his life?

Friday, November 9, 2007

The Quiminology Files

Twat's In a Name?
Twat is in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Okay, so that's a horrible twisting of poor Juliet's words as she bemoaned the last name of her beloved Romeo. Though Shakespeare never used the word "twat," it does appear that word for ladies' lower petals may have its origins in poetry. Some scholars say poet Robert Browning used it erroneously in an 1841 poem thinking the word referred to a nun’s headgear. They traced his misconception to a 17th century satirical poem that referred to "a cardinal’s hat and an old nun’s twat," but others say they have been unable to locate that poem. Whatever the true origin of this unlovely term for our sexual equipment, it seems obvious neither poet meant it as an affectionate reference. So here’s our sentence, written in unwieldy archaic poetic meter with a toast to bygone vaginophobic poets: “If you would plot to make me hot and lay me down upon a cot, don’t call my honey pot a twat—or ride me to ecstasy you will not.”

For more details on the origins of this word, check out this month's Twatchamacallit column in Lady Jaided magazine.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Empress on the Mount

Dear Empress:
I keep reading that sex keeps you young and that some women in their 70s are still doing the nasty several times a week. I'm 69 and after a night of hearing my dh cough, snore and fart in his sleep, the last thing I want to do is touch him--even if he could get it up. Don't get me wrong. I still love the old bastard and he loves me. We do things like working in the garden and reading to each other. He says he's willing to try Viagra if I really want him to, but the truth is, I'm content just to hang out with him and enjoy his company in other ways. Is there something wrong with us?
--Over It

Wrong with you? Hardly. It sounds like you and your husband are happy the way you are. So don’t let a multibillion dollar pharmaceutical company tell you differently. If you get a sudden urge to wade through the coughs and farts and bonk like bunnies, then go for it. Otherwise, spend your money on plants, not pills.

For more pearls of wisdom from Her Highness, check out her column in Lady Jaided emagazine.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Yoga, Pull-ups and Orgasms

You might be surprised by what the three have in common
By Erin Aislinn

Being a woman and a member of a statistical minority means you’re either very special or have a tough road ahead. According to Dr. Elisabeth A. Lloyd, author of the book The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution, 30 percent of women rarely or never have orgasm in intercourse, and among those, 10 percent say they never have orgasm under any circumstances.
In my early 20s, after a few years of indulging in my newly discovered sex life, I considered it might be best if I just accepted the fact that I was one of those 10 percent. I mean if I couldn’t climax with a lover who’d turned sex into an art form and applied every trick in his vast bag of experience to make it happen for me, then under what miraculous circumstances could I ever have the Big O?
To read the rest of this story, go to our emagazine, Lady Jaided

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Trick or Treat? Uh, make that treat please

And what better treat than the oh-so-yummy Niko. Model and dancer, Niko's a potent as dark chocolate and as sweet as cotton candy.

No, he wouldn't fit into my Halloween candy bag, but I'm pretty sure most of us could find somewhere he'd fit. Happy Halloween. May you collect many treats:)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Pants on Fire

Sadly, we have pretty much come to expect our politicians to lie to us repeatedly and with a straight face. It's sad on so many levels, but at least adults know better than to look to politicians to set an example for moral leadership. We look to the clergy for that, right?

Uh, well, it seems increasingly apparent that's not such a good idea either. Monsignor Tommaso Stenico, a Vatican official and a psychoanalyst, was recently caught by a hidden camera making advances to a young man and telling him that gay sex was not sinful. Stenico said he is not gay, though he admitted to frequenting online gay chat rooms and pretending to be gay. His reason? He was actually researching homosexual activity that damages the image of the Church. He did not explain why he needed to lie for his research instead of simply observing and asking questions.

Okay, so let us get this straight. A priest, whose church says homosexuality is wrong tells a young man that it is not wrong, though he tells the rest of us that he thinks it is wrong. Last time I looked, lying was also considered a sin. Stenico has admitted lying to someone. We just aren't entirely sure who he's lying to. It's sort of like the old conundrum where the guys says, "Everything I say is a lie." If that's true, then everything he says is true. But it can't be true because if it is true, then it's also a lie. Or something like that.

I don't care if Stenico is gay or not. That's his business. However, he has betrayed a very deep trust in his roles as a priest and a psychoanalyst. If you can't look to your priest for moral leadership or your shrink for the truth, who is left?

Monday, October 29, 2007

Oh say, can you C?

When it comes to thongs, our Quiminologists are divided. Rather like the asses of those who like wearing ‘em. (The phrase “cheese slicer” always comes to mind.) But recent research turned up some interesting developments in the world of thongs - those delightful undergarments with which we ladies cover our quims.

Thongs were, of course, designed by a bunch of drunken engineers with serious passive-aggressive issues against women. We gals would certainly choose to spend endless hours fishing bits of lace out of our butt cracks, right? There are no visible panty lines, granted, but on the whole it’s easier to leave off the panties entirely than deal with the mechanics of a thong. Especially if you’re blessed with an abundant derriere, like so many of our Quiminology staffers. (Computer Butt Syndrome.)

However, when we ran across this C-thong device (see photos below), we were all glued to our monitors. Once again, those drunken engineers have come up with an idea guaranteed to drive women to drink alongside them.

This delightful…er…thong thing is crafted with some kind of wiring, making it flexible and keeping it (allegedly) in place. Our take on this? Well, if you’re short a boomerang at any time, this would work and could possibly double as a hair band in a pinch.(No pun intended.) If you’re seriously into discomfort, this would also fit the bill. It doesn’t look like it would fit any of us. When someone suggested we get one and do more research, our staffers suddenly remembered meetings elsewhere and the room emptied in zero point two microseconds.

So overall, the vote on this little quim-protector is an emphatic NO. If anyone out there has one, do let us know if it works? Feel free to send photos and your address. We’ll send ointment for the chafed spots and a pair of soft cotton knickers.

Virtual Speed Dating

Remember speed dating, that musical chairs game for adults in the market for romance? You'd put on your best face, go to some cafe and and meet a dozen or so guys, quiz them (and be quizzed) for about ten minutes or so each and then decide if you wanted to get to know any of them better. It was a great if unromantic way for busy people to meet and survey the playing field. You didn't have to waste a lot of time or money with someone you knew on first sight was not for you. It was only a matter of time before someone came up with an online version. It started out as a project for a Stanford Univeristy business class. Now, it's No long questionnaires to fill out, just a few details, such as age, sex and zip code and your preferences for same. Then you can view a series of web pages and meet people on live video feed for three minutes. If you like each other, the site hooks you up. It ain't the stuff of love songs, but it might just work.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


We've been so serious this week, I figured it was time for something fun. Sahara's off someplace in a feathered hat, so I've reached into my quiminology files to bring out a couple of my favorite quiminology terms.

Jelly Roll
There is some disagreement among musicians and the general public as to weather “jelly roll” refers to the male or the female sexual apparatus. However, any quim expert—or quiminologist, as we like to be called—worth her salt will tell you that jelly roll as a term for women’s genitals goes back more than a century.
“Jelly” has been used to refer to semen for even longer—at least back to the early 1600s—and if you’ve never heard a guy talking about jerking his jelly before, I’ll bet you can figure out what it means right quick.
The likewise aptly descriptive “jelly bag” refers to the scrotum. Jelly roll came to have a broader and more confusing meaning in the late 1800s and early 1900s, when blues singers and others used it to mean just about anything related to sex and the southerly anatomy of either sex. More recent lyricists seem to think of it more as a penis than a vulva.
The look of the actual object may be at least partially responsible for the confusion. A jelly roll is a log-shaped confection made of a thin sponge cake smeared with jelly and sometimes cream, then rolled into a very male-looking cylinder and finally sliced into a very female-looking circle with a creamy, jelly-filled center. Either way, it’s a yummy image, and we don’t have to think up our own sentences for examples. Popular music is filled with them: “Come over here, baby and put the jelly in my jelly roll.”

Honey Pot
If you can get past the initial image of Winnie the Pooh sticking his finger in a clay jar, the idea of your foo-foo as a honey pot is actually quite lovely. The term in this capacity was obviously coined by someone with a huge affection for women and their vaginal secretions. Honey is thick and sweet and golden—even precious in some times and places. It’s an appetizing term and still earthy enough to avoid the air of some goody-two-shoes euphemism. Let’s try it in a sentence: "If you give me a bite of your cannoli, I’ll let you taste my honey pot." That should do the trick. What healthy heterosexual man would turn down an offer like that?

For more quiminological terms, read the Twatchamacallit column in our emagazine, Lady Jaided.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Who's Raising the Children?

The United Nations published figures on international trends in maternity leave benefits as of 2005. Guess who pretty much ranks dead last in guaranteed time off with pay? The United States, with Australia a close second. Many African countries offer three months or more leave with full pay. Brazil gives 120 days. Vietnam gives four to six months, Spain guarantees 16 weeks, Norway gives A FULL YEAR. Croatia gives 45 days before delivery and a full year after. Those are just the figures for 100% wages. The pay is generally shouldered partly by the employer and partly by the government. Lots of other countries offer at least a portion of pay guaranteed for leave, including Canada, which gives 17-18 weeks at 55% pay, paid by insurance. Australia gives 52 weeks with no pay, and US comes in at 12 weeks with no pay. Countries that do not help women care for their children are risking the health (physical and mental), safety, and wellbeing of, not just the children and their parents, but of the nation itself. It is in everyone's best interests to make sure children have the care, love and nurturing they need in their first year of life.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Girls for Sale

Imagine being engaged when you're three years old to a cousin picked by your parents who are basically giving you as a gift to his family. That's what's happening to a little girl named Sunam and many more young girls in Afghanistan, according to a recent Associated Press story. The article sites UNICEF statistics that say 16 percent of Afghan children are married younger than age 15, even though the legal minimum age is 16 for girls and 18 for boys. Many of these arranged marriages are little more than legalized selling of girls to the grooms' families, who pay a "bride price," which basically makes the girls the property of their husbands and in-laws, opening the way for abuse. If the marriage turns out to be loveless or worse, the girl is trapped for the rest of her life, though the husband can take an additional wife.
Fortunately, some rights groups are working to change the custom and enforce existing laws, including Medica Mondiale and Women for Afghan Women, both of whom could use our help.

Friday, October 19, 2007

One Born Every Minute

If a guy comes up to you at a bar or the mall or casino and tells you he's a doctor or lawyer or big-time real estate investor, he should not need to bum money from you, especially not several hundred dollars. A guy who can get through med school or law school usually knows how to put his wallet in his pants before leaving the house, and if he loses it, the last thing on his mind will be going to the mall with you and buying expensive clothes, watches and jewelry.

Jordan Gann was caught this week in Tampa, Florida, after years of scamming women in several states out of thousands of dollars. His twin bro, Simon, whom police suspect of making money the same way, is still at large. His latest victim met him in Orlando and took him home with her to Tampa, where she and her friend bought him $1,000 worth of CDs, clothes, meals and even a cell phone after he told them he had forgotten his credit cards. He had told them he was a doctor who had become rich selling his cancer research to a drug company.

Yeah, this guy's a jerk, and I hope he has to pay full restitution to his victims. I also hope his victims wise up after this. If a guy bums money from you as soon as you meet him, run the other way--no matter how cute he is or how good his reason seems to be.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Off Topic: EC Seeks More African-American models

Ellora's Cave is seeking African-American models, both women and men. Experience is nice, but not required. Interested parties can send their portfolio to:

Darrell King c/o Ellora's Cave
1056 Home Ave.
Akron, OH 44310

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Okay, I know this is a pretty feeble picture, but we can't show a picture of the actual subject of this post.
Since we're talking about surgical alterations today, here's a new one, and it's about women's pleasure, not attractiveness. Author Ashlyn Chase just sent this article in Self magazine about a new surgery to plump up your g-spot. Supposedly, it makes your g-spot easier to find and stimulate and more sensitive for about four months. One woman who had it said she gets aroused during spinning class, yoga and even driving down bumpy roads. Okay, so lemme get this straight: Men get a little blue pill they can take whenever they want to get it up. Women get a surgical injection that costs almost $2,000, lasts four months. Ladies, we definitely need more women in med school.

Would you have this procedure?

Before you decide, it's a good idea to read the rest of the article, in which the author of the article, Jennifer Wolff, reports that the doctor who invented and is pushing this surgery through his Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute has had malpractice complaints lodged against him for disfiguring women who went to him for labia reduction and vagina tightening. She then goes on to explore the increase in surgeries to reduce labia with often tragic results. Kudos to Ms. Wolff and to Self for exploring the whole issue thoroughly.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

misogyny hits a record low

Flat-chested women can get free boob implants if the price is right. While the procedure costs nothing in dollars (if you're lucky), it could cost you a fortune in self-esteem...

Over at there are 10,000+ male benefactors ready and waiting to donate to your impending surgery. The catch? You are required to form an online show and tell relationship with the donors, sending them intimate photos of yourself in order to raise their libidos and open their wallets.

The scary part is that over 1000 women have joined this sickening farce. To me, this is tantamount to a website that helps African-Americans raise "skin bleaching" donations from horny Caucasians. After all, once upon a time more African-Americans than not believed that lighter skin was better skin. Apparently when that terror tactic quit working, society turned its sights to breasts.

But hey, it's not just men being the dicks, chicas. For instance, British model Jordan (pictured) told Now magazine last year that she can't understand how men can be attracted to women with small breasts. I, OTOH, can't understand how men can be attracted to women whose boobs are so blatantly fake. After all, when women like that walk by there is always an uncomfortable silence and/or looking away. It's not envy, guys and gals. It's called embarrassment.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Perfume - or The Scent of a Woman

(Our Quiminologists get double points for using no less than two movie titles in one line!) Yes, ladies, we smell. No matter how much we bathe, powder, spritz and spray, we still possess a unique fragrance all our own. Our personal Eau de Quim. Is it pheromones? Possibly. Our scientists didn’t go that far into the research, but what they did uncover is fascinating.

Studies in mice have shown a “vomeronasal organ” which results in a mouse going nutso when he finds his mate. And it’s all based on smell (and explains why there are so many damn mice around). Whether humans can react as strongly to the “right” scent is still up for debate, but we uncovered one interesting piece of data from the journal “Ethology”. (Yes, we looked it up. It means “a branch of knowledge dealing with human character and with its formation and evolution”. Make a note. There’ll be a quiz later).

During a woman’s most fertile days, her personal odor is judged to be “pleasant” to a male. The same woman, when not fertile, was judged “not pleasant”. We assume those conducting this study were too polite to use the word “Bleeecchhhh”. And guys, you’re not off the hook here. The same study showed that fertile women found the aroma of a dominant man’s armpits very sexually appealing during ovulation. Now, since the men were asked to assess themselves in terms of how dominant they felt, our Quiminologists tend to view these results with a little skepticism. After all, we can’t imagine too many men saying “Actually, I feel like a wuss, today. Leave me out.”

So next time you reach for those fragrance products, ask yourself if you really want to hide your unique signature aroma. Does your partner deserve a nasal-stinging whiff of exotic flowers from a tropical garden, or would he prefer the warm sexy scent of his woman’s quim? We’ll leave it to you to decide…

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Empress on the Mount

Exalted One:
I met a man on the internet and we have fallen in love. Now he wants to meet and I’m in a panic. I sent him a 15-year-old picture of myself, from when I was much slimmer and better looking. I’ve told him my real age but the years have not been kind to me and I look almost nothing like that picture. I don’t want to lose this man but I’m afraid if he sees the way I look now, he won’t want anything to do with me. I would just stall him until I could get liposuction and a facelift but it turns out that costs a lot of money. My question is this: Could you loan me $79,000?
—Your Devoted Fan


For more pearls of wisdom from Her High Unholiness, visit her column in Lady Jaided emagazine.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Alpha with all Caps

There's something about a shirtless hunk in dark glasses that gets a gal's motor racing. This fine fellow is Jamo Nessar.

Jamo is a IFBB Pro Bodybuilder. Orignally from Algeria, Jamo has circled the globe and now lives in LA.

Much more that merely glorious muscle (and he has that in spades), Jamo speaks French, English and Arabic and holds a degree in science and biology. He holds to what he calls a simple philisophy - namely "What you see is what you get".

Woo hoooo! Can I get that to go?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Have you seen this pedophile?

Interpol sought public help Monday in identifying a suspected pedophile, revealing a technique to unscramble digitally altered images to show the face of a man seen in Internet photos sexually abusing young boys in Vietnam and Cambodia...

Click here for the full story.

Pajama Party

If you like our logo and these wonderful comics by John Lustig, check out his website for more.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Fashion Police Strike Again

Those prudish folks at Southwest Airlines have struck again. This time they made Joe Winiecki turn his t-shirt (pictured above) inside out. This is the same airline that apologized recently for giving Hooters waitress Kayla Ebbers a hard time for wearing an outfit that left very little of her anatomy to the imagination. Is it offensive? Maybe to some people. Frankly, I wouldn't be thrilled to see him galumping toward the seat next to me in a shirt like that. But I'm not thrilled to sit next to a lot of people in airplanes, including poorly behaved children and their parents, guys who hog the arm rest, and especially people who emit various odors from their bodies or the food they bring onboard.

Flying is a often a crowded, unpleasant and tiresome business. If you're gonna fly, you just have to suck it up and accept the fact that not everyone shares your tender sensibilities. It's the price of being in the public realm. Airlines need to concern themselves with making flights as safe and comfortable as possible and not worry about how people are dressed.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Empress on the Mount

Why We Love Bad Boys

Dear Empress:
Why are bad boys such a turn-on? I’ve been dating a perfectly nice man with a good job and decent social and sexual skills. I’m bored senseless with him. He has an artist friend who’s moody, drinks to excess and constantly mooches cigarettes, money and meals. When he turns his stormy eyes on me, I want to jump his bones. Why can’t I get the same spark from the good guy? And don’t just tell me I’m a dumb bitch. A lot of my female friends feel the same way.
—Glutton for Punishment

I wouldn’t dream of JUST telling you you’re a dumb bitch. You’re also an infantile dweeb, moron and idiot. In your case, familiarity doesn’t only breed contempt, it also breeds arrant stupidity. Of course the artist is appealing, we never want what we already have. By all means, dump the nice guy (after all, he deserves MUCH better than you) and go for the artist. I’m sure you’ll find the alcoholic leech is an unselfish superman in bed, always pays his way and can be relied upon when you need him. You two deserve each other.

For more pearls of wisdom from Her Testiness, read her column at Lady Jaided magazine.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Thomas vs. Hill Round 2

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has reopened an old national wound with allegations in his new book that Anita Hill not only made up all those icky stories about his sexual harassment of her, but that she was a mediocre employee at best who pursued him. He dredges up old charges that she was a pawn used by the left in an attempt to block his confirmation to the Supreme Court.

Ms. Hill wrote something of a rebuttal in the New York Times but I found Ann Woolner's essay in to be one of the most empathic (to both parties) and well-reasoned reflections on who is probably telling the truth. In it, she reminds us that other female employees also said Mr. Thomas sexually harassed them, even though Ms. Hill was the only one allowed to testify at the confirmation hearings. Ms. Woolner also brings up a fact that Mr. Thomas conveniently neglects to mention: Anita Hill took and passed a polygraph test. Clarence Thomas refused to take one.

Sexual harassment continues to be a huge problem in the world. Whistleblowers are often humiliated and have their reputations impugned and their professional lives damaged if not destroyed. Sixteen years later, Clarence Thomas is at the top of his profession--the man cannot climb any higher--and yet he is still trying to destroy Anita Hill. Why? I'd still like to see him take that polygraph test.

Chemical Reaction

Why some men sizzle and others fizzle
By Sarah Skilton
Animal magnetism. Love at first sight. The spark. (Sing it with me: “Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger, you may see a stranger across a crowded room…”) You know it when you feel it: chemistry, that elusive quality that makes you “click” with a man.
Why do some men bring it out in us, and others don’t? Is chemistry based purely on physical attraction, or is it something deeper and more elemental? Most importantly, is it accurate?
Several theories claim to explain the phenomena comprising instant attraction, including pheromones, body symmetry, and “love maps”: subconscious lists developed from birth, stored in our brains to paint a mental picture of our perfect mate.
In the right combination, any of the above can form a potent cocktail of attraction. The first, and most obvious, sign of attraction is triggered by sight. Gary Stollman, Ph.D., a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, believes our attraction for particular physical traits in the opposite sex is a hardwired survival mechanism that goes back thousands of years.
“Women see men as potential suitors, protectors and providers; the reason many women are attracted to tall men, for example, is that they appear to be stronger, like they can protect you or provide you with healthy, tall children. This all occurs at the unconscious level.”
Our preferences are also influenced by the society in which we live. In modern-day America, men seek women with curves and a slim waist, whereas in earlier time periods, particularly in Europe, plump or robust attributes carried more weight — excuse the pun.
To read the rest of this article, go to Lady Jaided emagazine. It's free!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Banned Books Week

I almost forgot we're in the middle of Banned Books Week (Sept. 29-Oct. 6). It’s not every day you can stand up for freedom by reading a book. But by reading a banned or challenged book this week, you are standing up against the thought police and supporting one of our most precious freedom: the right to read and think what we choose.
First observed in 1982, Banned Books Week reminds Americans not to take this essential democratic freedom for granted. The event is sponsored by the American Booksellers Association, the American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression, the American Library Association (ALA), the Association of American Publishers, the American Society of Journalists and Authors and the National Association of College Stores. It is endorsed by the Library of Congress Center for the Book.
Half of the challenges were based on sexual explicitness or the use of “offensive language.” According to the ALA’s Office for Intellectual Freedom, of the 6,364 challenges to books in the decade from 1990-2000, 1,607 were based on “sexually explicit” material, 1,427 were because of the use of “offensive language,” 842 were because of the inclusion of “Occult theme…or Satanism,” and 515 were challenged due to homosexual themes. A challenge is an attempt to remove materials from libraries or bookstores or otherwise restrict access to them, based upon the objections of a person or group. A banning is the actual removal of those materials. Among the top ten most challenged author between 1990 and 2004 are Steven King, J.K. Rowling, Maya Angelou, R.L. Stine, Judy Blume and John Steinbeck.

What's your favorite banned or challenged book?

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Love those Lips!

Not the ones beneath your nose, girlfriends, the ones between your legs! Our quiminologists have been exploring labia recently, armed with mirrors, calipers and - of course - the internet for reference. You’ve all done it, contorted yourself into a mock-yoga position and checked out those fleshy folds which hide and protect your secrets. If you haven’t…well, grab yourself a mirror and a quiet spot. It’s a fascinating topic.

We all have two sets of lips, or labia as the medical folk like to call ‘em. The labia majora are the outside ones, containing hair follicles and oil secreting glands. The inner ones, the labia minora, also contain oil glands but aren’t usually very hairy. Those are the common factors. The amazing thing? Just about every woman has their own personal variety of labial configuration! They really are as diverse as the population! From ruffles and flourishes to smooth and reclusive, a woman’s labia can range from small to enormous - and they’re all GOOD. No matter what you’ve heard, large inner labia that protrude are quite normal. So are labia that are different colors. (Okay, if you’ve got sparkly blue ones, you might want to get a second opinion.)

The three most common are “corrugated”, ”double loop” and “triple loop”. This refers to the folds of the inner labia as they peek shyly from the pussy. We’ve got stats, sizes, percentages and so on to demonstrate all this, but frankly that’s boring. What matters is that we love what we have.

So biking may result in a pinch or two, so what? Give up on the Tour de France. Bending over in a short skirt and a thong may flash something more than our butt cheeks. Who cares? It’s a definite turn-on for the guy behind us. So there’s a bulge in our bathing suits! We’re women. We can flaunt it! As long as we avoid the painful “Camel Toe” syndrome (where your pants are so tight they’re biting up between your labia, resembling a camel’s toe from a viewer’s frame of reference. Ouch!) then let those lips loose, ladies. Loose lips, in this case, don’t sink ships, they raise the masts!! (Pardon the nautical pun.)

Men, overall, aren’t recorded as having much of an opinion on labia. As long as they’re there and doing what they’re supposed to be doing, it’s all good to them. We’re the ones who obsess (don’t we always?) and even rush to cosmetic surgeons to have them “redesigned” to fit whatever we think is “perfect”. Well, here’s the scoop. There ISN’T a perfect labial shape. What you ARE right now, is perfect. Long, short, pink, brown, frilled, ruffled, smooth or fleshy - that’s perfection, baby. Love thy labia! It’s your special signature body part. Like you, it’s unique!

From your Quiminology Dept.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Empress on the Mount

Dear Ms. Mount:
My bf told me he wants to experiment with a menage a trois. I don’t have any moral objections but I’ve always felt that anything that involves three people is bad because someone ends up feeling left out.
How can I make sure that someone isn’t me?
Alpha Girl

Easy, tell your bf that you’ll do it if you get to choose the third. Just make sure your choice is hot for you and not your bf. If he’s the one feeling left out, he just might decide that paying attention to you is more important than experimenting.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Alpha Males: What's better than seeing a man at work?

Seeing a man get all squeaky clean, of course. Thought I'd share this photo with you today. Something about it just made me want to jump in the shower.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Eau de Vulva

The randy entrepreneurs at Vulva have created a substance they describe as not a perfume, but a "beguiling vaginal scent ... for your own personal pleasure." The site instructs men to rub it on the back of their hand to intensify their pleasure while whacking off. Probably not a good idea to put it on your favorite dollie or prosthetic pudendum, though, since the site cautions against getting the substance on any mucous membranes. Sorta makes you wonder what's in it.
Jezebel videotaped a hysterical smell test asking gay men to sniff Vulva and Britney Spears' new cologne and compare and contrast. From the look on the mens' faces, Vulva smells as skanky as the model on the Vulva website looks. I guess they asked gay men instead of straight ones for the comedic value, but I've got to wonder if straight men would have found the scent more alluring. I'm guessing they would have been just as grossed out, though. Even if the stuff really does smell like a woman, personal intimate scents, like certain kinds of pain, are appealing only in certain contexts. I do like the logo, though.