Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Sweet Smell of Arousal

Okay, so is running a story on a study conducted in the 1990s into what smells men find sexually arousing. Turns out there are things besides the aroma of air that turn men on, including cinnamon buns, cheese pizza, buttered microwave popcorn and doughnuts. (Which makes me wonder if Homer Simpson was the sole participant in the study, though there is no mention of beer.) Oddly, a combination of pumpkin pie and lavender was one of the most arousing scents, resulting in a 40% increase in penile blood flow.

Oh, and lest you wonder why a story on a decade-old study is getting ink from, or perhaps why anyone is studying what turns men on instead of what turns on women, who are decidedly more complex in that department: Both pages of the article have huge ads for Viagra. I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn the study was funded and promoted by Pfizer, which makes the most famous pole-stiffener. Pretty crafty of them, don'tcha think? After all, which would you rather do to put some starch in the ol' couch potato, smear your thighs with punkin pie or slip him an itty-bitty pill?

Monday, August 27, 2007

Love, Honor and Spank Thy Wife

The folks at Feministing have been discussing the Christian Domestic Discipline Site, which advocates wife spanking as a legitimate form of domestic discipline. They hold that the husband has the right to spank the wife to reinforce his authority, but she does not have the right to spank him. They also say they believe the Bible gives men the right to spank their wives without their consent, but that, because of current laws, they don't generally condone nonconsensual spanking.

As a feminist, I find the concept of unequal marriage or any nonconsensual contact repugnant, and the anti-feminist sniping on the site is also deeply saddening and a little bit frightening. However, these women appear to be very earnest in their desire to submit to their husbands, which is their right.

There is a lot of interesting discussion on the site about whether or not such spanking is or should be sexually arousing. One man, who said he does spank his wife occasionally, expressed concerns about the idea of placing her in an inferior position in the relationship and doubts about repeated claims that spanking is not sexual. Some responses on this subject were quite vehement of the "methinks she doth protest too much" variety. One woman said that if the wife enjoys her spanking, then it is being done wrong, and if the husband enjoys it, he will have to answer to God about that. Another admitted that she and her spouse (of more than 30 years) do have fun spankings but they are separate from disciplinary spankings.

It's easy for both sides to have a knee-jerk response to this issue, but it's one of those gray areas where religious belief, human rights issues and female sexuality intersect in a most disconcerting way. I'm trying really hard in the name of religious tolerance not to be creeped out by the crotchless pantaloons they sell on the site, and by the women's insistence on infantilizing themselves in this way and their condemnation of women who choose to be more independent in thought and deed. But the thing that bugs me the most is their self-righteous judgment of people who get off on BDSM. It seems hypocritical. What's the difference between wearing crotchless pantaloons and letting your spouse spank you for failing to lose weight and wearing satin panties and letting your Master spank you for coming without his permission?

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Silk Road to Yin and Yang

Our Quiminologists have been reading a lot lately, in the cool coffee room off the lab - when the temps soar, it's not a bad thing to do. So running into a series of novels set in the Far East got us all thinking - and researching the delicately beautiful Chinese phrases for specific body parts.

China has a long and gracious history in regards to erotica - they were sculpting and painting it, not to mention writing about it, while the rest of us were dealing with invading Roman tribes and finding something to kill for lunch. We also found that the Chinese describe sexual matters in a picturesque fashion... "Clouds and rain" for example, is their way of subtly enjoying an orgasm. When it comes to a woman's body - the language is just as symbolic. We have a cinnabar grotto , also known as a moon channel - a rather delightful and picturesque phrase - into which a man will insert his Jade Stalk. He must arouse us to allow our Jade Gate to open for him and he will know this is accomplished by the brilliance of our Scarlet Pearls (labia). He may then pierce our lute strings.

Poetic, isn't it? Our researchers also discovered some amazing sculptures, jade especially, where the peach appears frequently as a symbol of female sexuality. And if you take a look at a peach, especially where the stem has snapped off - well, the Chinese knew their imagery!! So we Quiminologists doff our caps to the Chinese, appreciating the fragile beauty invoked by their phrases. We'd all prefer to have our jeweled terraces awakened by the knocking of a jade stalk; we'd appreciate the caresses to our Yin gate, with particular attention to the grain of seed. Sure beats the hell out of "Hey woman, wanna get naked and do it?"

'Til next time,
Your Quiminologists

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Still Horny After All These Years

The New England Journal of Medicine released a study exploring sexual activity among senior citizens. Apparently, seniors are still having sex two to three times a month, and about half of them report a "bothersome" problem. For women, such problems include vaginal dryness (39%), low desire (43%) and inability to climax (34%). For men, it's mostly erectile dysfunction, and about 14% of all men over age 57 are taking medication to help them get it up. Only 38% of men and 22% of women have discussed their sexual problems with a doctor.

The study reported that women are less likely than men to be sexually active, which I suspect really means that even as senior citizens, men are more likely to say they're having sex than women are. More than half of seniors 57-75 say they have oral sex. As you might guess, sexual activity decreases with age: 73% of people in the 57-64 age bracket are having sex, 53% of those age 65-74 and 26% at age 75-85.
Obviously, sex is important to intimate relationships, though I question the continual harping that it's essential to our health after menopause, especially the way we did it when we were younger. If men have more trouble getting and keeping it up and women no longer lubricate or climax as easily, maybe there are other things to try besides medication to facilitate the old pussy-pounding sex couples had in their 20s. Maybe sex can become more interesting and even more intimate as you age because you have to try new things that are not as reliant immediate erections and lubrication. Tantric sex comes to mind.
Anybody out there willing to share information or experience?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Chocolate Lover's Dilemma

BBC news reported in April that researchers at The Mind Lab monitored heart rates and brain patterns of couples kissing and eating chocolate. They supposedly discovered that eating chocolate was way more stimulating to head and heart than kissing. The report noted briefly that “The Mind Lab is funded by members of the food industry, although no firm can be linked to any individual study.”
What the astute BBC reporter doesn’t bother to say is that, according to its own website, The Mind Lab was created in response to increasing interest, on the part of [the founder’s] clients, in the use of scientific research projects as a route into the media.” The mission of TML is to do studies “on an extensive range of projects designed to obtain the widest and most positive media coverage for their clients.”
In fact, the fine folks at The Mind Lab tell us, “A major advantage of this approach over the more traditional survey based news stories, is that the results tend to be not only dramatic and newsworthy but also visually exciting, giving the project a far greater chance of obtaining television coverage.” Then comes the final sales pitch: If you would be like to discover how we could help provide the science behind your next set of headlines telephone Dr David Lewis.”
Hmmmmm. So who do you suppose funded the study on chocolate vs. kissing? Cadbury? Nestle? Whoever funded it got their money’s worth. A quick Google search turned up over a million hits referencing this study. Sorta makes you wonder about the claim that dark chocolate is good for you. I love chocolate as much as anyone, but I would eat it even if it weren't good for me, and I don't like being treated like an idiot.
So if you had to choose: Chocolate or kissing?

Monday, August 20, 2007

New Mating Contest

Okay, methinks it was an unfair competition. Who wouldn't pick Vin over Alan? So let's make it a little tougher, ladies. Still want the macho man over the pretty face? Who would you pick now to settle down with?

Alpha Male

Okay, you ladies have made it clear what you want. More tasty beefcake! Yummy manflesh! Hubba hubba hunks! Say hello this week's Alpha Male, Kimo Show. He’s a boxer, dancer, single parent, and model and an Ellora’s Cave Caveman and is also featured in this month's Lady Jaided with more pictures and an interview. Here's a sneak peek:
“I go to the gym every day. I beat myself up during the day and then try to look pretty for the ladies at night. My boxing helps my dancing. The two go hand in hand. The boxing exercises help me stay in shape for dancing. The better shape you’re in, the more money you make. When I bust a move, I get a good sweat going. The guys at the gym mess with me sometimes about my dancing. They say, ‘hey, you got rhythm; you ought to be able to use that when you box.’ I also do some kickboxing, and that steps my game up with dancing. No matter how much you practice, there’s always something new to learn. Sometimes I go to work with a black eye after sparring.”

Sunday, August 19, 2007


A study published by the research journal Personality and Individual Differences and reported in The Guardian posits that women perceived men with more masculine-looking faces as highly dominant but less suitable for long-term relationships than men with healthy-looking faces and more feminized features. The men with less macho more healthy faces were associated with "wealth and pro-social traits (faithfulness, commitment, parenting, etc.)"

We all know that try as we might to not judge a book by its cover, we sometimes do. Okay, Alan Cumming doesn't exactly look healthy, but you get the idea here. If you didn't know anything about either of these guys, which one would you choose for a one-night stand, and which one to be the father of your children?

Friday, August 17, 2007

Empress on the Mount

Your Royal Highness:
I’m very modest but my new bf insists on coming into the bathroom when I’m on the potty. I’ve learned to tinkle in his presence but can’t bring myself to do a number two in front of him. I don’t much like it when he comes in and dumps a big one while I’m brushing my teeth either. It just seems to take all the romance out of the relationship. Am I a prude?
Closet Pooper

I’m stretching here but I think I have an answer. Lock the bloody door, you moron!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

All Work and No Play

A condom company survey found Singaporeans have the second-lowest sex drive of 22 nations studied, and its birth rate is 30% below what it needs to replace its current population. The Singapore government says economic pressures force people to work so hard they have no energy or time for sex, so it’s promoting sex therapy, an alluring perfume blend and reducing controls on sex-oriented entertainment. There is even talk of repealing laws against oral and anal sex.
Who has the most sex? The French (137 times per year on average), followed closely by couples in Greece (133), Serbia/Montenegro (131), Hungary (131) and Macedonia (129). Japanese have sex the fewest times per year (46) with Singapore and Hong Kong next at 79 times per year. U.S. is toward the middle at 111, slightly more than Canada at 108.
Sources: The Guardian International, Asia Times,

How do you and your honey stack up?

Monday, August 13, 2007

Alpha Male

"Romeo, Romeo where for art thou ?"

Well heck, he's right here! Romeo, aka the Carribean prince had no trouble catching my eye. Great smile, deep soulful eyes, charm, a literal vibration in the air around him that promises hot sultry nights and sweaty days on an isolated beach ... and did I mention his body?

Hope you enjoy as much as I did :)

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Can You Hear Me Now?

While the majority of the Quiminologists are roaming the world looking for items of interest and drinking their way through a well-deserved vacation, our Chief Quiminologist was attempting to program her new cellphone. And in the process stumbled over something interesting.

"Words you can't say on the airwaves". (The airwaves of her provider, anyway, who shall remain nameless since nobody wants to get sued.)

Yes, there is a list...and here's some of the words we recognized right off the bat.
Bitch, clit, cornhole, cum, cunt, dildo, fuck, hairpie, muffdiver, poontang, pubic, pussy, twat, vagina - and so on. We assume this means you can't set your voicemail response to read: "Sorry, this bitch is busy at the moment, shoving my dildo up my twat and fucking it 'til I cum. Please leave your name, number and a brief message and I'll get back to you."

Understandable, since hearing that would probably cause a few raised eyebrows when mothers call to remind their daughters about dinner on Tuesday. However, we also ran into some that -- well, puzzled us. For example... fleshflute. Yes, really. Mozart probably had a chuckle at that one. Also fleshpopsicle. (Obviously an Alaskan winter term.) And the winner? Whiteswallow. We thought that was something that migrated to the Caribbean for the winter months.

So, ornithologists of the world, take note. Do NOT leave anything pertaining to your birding activities on your cell phone. If you are "Out pursuing the elusive whiteswallow in Poontang Province", you'll get nabbed by the FCC!!! Language is fluid and constantly changing. One has to wonder if "Quim" would pass the wireless censors...

Friday, August 10, 2007

Aural Sex

Acousticophilia is a sexual response aroused by certain sounds. Pretty much any band groupie or gal who goes all gooey at the sound of an English accent enjoys some form of acousticophilia. Remember Jamie Lee Curtis humping everything in sight when she hears John Cleese’s accent in A Fish Called Wanda, or Gomez Addams going all goggly-eyed whenever Morticia speaks French in The Addams Family? Practically everyone has some sound that sets their hearts and other parts aquiver. Barry White's sexy growl, the roar of Harley Davidson, Rilke's poetry read aloud in German, maybe or the sound of sweet nothings whispered in your ear.

C'mon, give it up. What sound makes you go all melty?

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Empress on the Mount

Your Haughtiness:
I have a disconcertingly large labia and have been seeing ads for plastic surgery that can give you lovely, dainty
lips. Should I do it?
Lavish Lips

Disconcertingly large as compared to what? A Chihuahua? What did you do, video yourself and then ask your friends to compare? Actually, don’t answer that, I really don’t want to know. Listen, dimwit, unless you leave drag marks when you walk, leave well enough alone.
If you wanted to audition for America’s Next Top Model, I’d still say stay the hell away from anyone offering to alter your fa-fa. I’ve yet to hear Tyra Banks intone, Oh! Such a pity about her labia, it’s the only thing keeping her from an international career. And let’s face it, those judges comment on just about every other body part.

Feel free to ask the Empress a question of your own. She'll grace you with her special brand of compassion and wisdom.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Living Goddesses

If you thought goddesses have gone the way of Atlantis, think again. Today there are nine living goddesses in Kathmandu. Each one is selected at a very young age and must possess 32 perfections and then pass a series of tests. She will have a body like a banyan tree, cheeks like a lion’s, thighs like a deer’s and a neck like a conch shell. Her pores will be small and her golden tender skin never scratched. Her black hair and eyes are perfect, as are the shape of her teeth, and she has a moist tongue. Her body smells pure and sweet and she has never lost a tooth or shed the tiniest drop of blood. Her voice is clear and soft as a duck’s and she is calm.

If you were queen of the world and got to pick what attributes a goddess would have to have, what would they be?

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Where's The Beef?

Today in Christchurch, New Zealand, a billboard was removed after a handful of citizens complained that the ad contained obvious sexual overtones. The words "thank God for serious steak" next to a picture of a cucumber with a tomato at either side of its base was ruled offensive and forced to be taken down by the Advertising Standards Authority.
Pretty soon cucumbers will need a support group too. After all, they can't help that they look like gi-normous green dicks.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Are you a sex addict?

According to Sex Addicts Anonymous, you might be a sex addict if you seek out sexually arousing media (i.e. newspaper articles, magazines, books, movies, etc.) or if you require a variety of sexual activities to keep your interest and provide orgasmic relief.

You only have to answer yes to 2 of their quiz questions before being urged to go to a SAA meeting in your area. While most of their questions are indicative of having a problem, I would argue that wanting variety in your sex life and enjoying titillating reads and movies would probably place 99% of the world's population into the "addicted to sex" category.

What do you think?


Wicked Poll Results

Q: My feelings about the final Harry Potter book are as follows:
A: I like the series, but ending it won't exactly shatter my world. (45%)

Q: When I'm not in the mood, I...
A: give in and give it up (40% - tie)
A: put off my SO with a "maybe later" (40% - tie)

Q: New "Price is Right" host Drew Carey will...
A: blow Bob Barker out of the water. (43%)

Q: My feelings about the sexual act of ménage are...
A: Maybe. It depends on how attractive I found the other participants. (41%)

Q: The celebrity trainwreck I can't keep myself from watching crash is...
A: None "of the Fucking" Above (58%)

Friday, August 3, 2007

Alpha Male

We all love a man with a big sword. Is it any wonder that Scott was chosen as our featured Alpha Male? Big sword, tight tush and such intensity in those eyes. And the best part. This man has a mind as sharp as that sword. Yummy, hot bod and sharp mind. Color me in lust-- er, I meant to say love:)

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Truck Nutz

Okay, ladies, here's your chance to weigh in on a burning social issue. Where do you stand on truck nutz? Though not by far the most attractive feature on the male body, manmade scrotal sacs in many hues are increasingly seen dangling from trucks, tractors, motorcycles, riding lawnmowers, even the family minivan.
What's up with that? Is it some form of display to attract females similar to a peacock spreading its tail? Does it make you want to stop the driver and do a roadside inspection to see if he is in fact packing 8-inch jewels? Or is it compensation for the ways he might not quite measure up? Maybe it's a warning to other males of the species, a way of marking territory that says, "you touch my truck and I will unleash the full power of my considerable testosterone bags on your puny ass." What do you think?

Empress on the Mount

Dear Empress:
My bf likes sex in the morning but I like to stay up late and can’t stand to be touched before the sun goes down. How can we synchronize?
Night Owl

When in doubt, follow the Blow by Blow rule. Remember, we’re dealing with the male of the species, so simplicity is our mantra. You need to train your bf to your timetable. Start slowly and soon you’ll have him conditioned to perform when you want.
If he’s slumped in his chair at the end of the day when you’re feeling frisky, give him a blowjob that will turn his eyebrows inside-out. Suck so damned hard you inhale his socks. So yeah, he’ll collapse in a heap again afterwards but keep at it. It’s no different from training your dog to fetch, positive reinforcement is the key. Just like your dog will learn to anticipate a treat for obeying, so will your bf. All you need to do is make it clear that a Raging Roger in the evening will get lots of enthusiastic attention (after he’s blown your mind several times but you can gloss over that bit). If his dick even tries for a cheery greeting in the morning, just like when your dog disobeys, ignore it.
If this method fails, simply tell him you’re a vampire and if his dick initiates contact before sunset, you’ll drive a stake through it.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Valerie Bertinelli: Diet... Disaster??

First it was Faith by Redbook and now it's Valerie by Star. Chalk up another crime against the collective female self-esteem to the media.

Does anyone know what precisely it is that's disastrous about Ms. Bertinelli's body? Is this a hideous "photo shocker" because she has a tiny little *gasp* belly when she bends over? What I see when I look at this photo is a naturally beautiful, curvy, 47-year-old woman without pretension. (Or cellulite. Bitch!)

Seriously, VB's gorgeous. The media is getting to the point of ridiculous. The overt misogyny is disgusting.

Why We Have Sex

University of Texas published a five-year study about why men and women have sex. They found both sexes pretty much have it for the same reasons. Number one reason for both: "I was attracted to the person." Next was for physical pleasure. Love and affection were in the middle of the list, mixed in with being horny. Number 10 for men was wanted to please his partner, which appeared nowhere in women's top 10. Women's number 10 was being in the heat of the moment.

Interesting too were the bottom five reasons for having sex. Among the ones both genders chose: to get a job and to give someone a sexually transmitted disease. Another one for men was an exchange for drugs, while for women it was an exchange for money.
To come up with their initial list, researchers asked people from ages 17-52 for all the reasons they have sex. The rankings, however, were done with college students only. I wonder if that's why "because my partner wanted to have sex" didn't make it onto the Top 10 list.